Hate is a pretty strong word, but a word that sums up some of the extreme views going around in the world of adoption today. A good part of this hate/anger develops because of the highly emotional nature of adoption. Often the feelings of those who were (or feel they were) wronged somehow involving their own adoption experience can grow out of control if they do not learn more productive coping methods. Of course we know that many people were wronged or abused concerning adoption, but there is a difference in the way that some of those people are choosing to act out their anger and in turn make others targets for abuse. There are many groups, especially online, who appear to support healing, but with a closer look you may run across a few among them who prefer to promote a hate filled attitude about adoption. Unfortunately many of said groups are adult adoptee or birthparent related and the anger and bitterness is directed at adoptive parents.

When I first went online years ago to find help, support and understanding for my own family’s adoption journey I joined many groups. Quite a few of those groups were mostly comprised of birthparents and adoptees. I was shocked when I made know my main connection to adoption as an adoptive parent (although I am also a birthfamily member, an adoptive sibling, and daughter of two adoptees), and I was immediately jumped upon in anger. Among some of these groups there is but one agenda and one theme, “adoption is always wrong,” and those who do not fully agree should expect to be treated in an extremely negative way. As I questioned some of the things being said in those groups, a healthy part of trying to process the emotions of adoption and help my family to do the same, I was cursed, threatened, verbally abused, my phone number was attained and I was seriously harassed. If you had ever told me that such intense hate would be directed at me simply because I was an adoptive parent, I would never have believed you before. Now my experience tells me that adoptive parents need to be educated and prepared for this possibility of becoming a target for this kind of adoption related hate.

I have a theory that for some people, when something is so overwhelming an experience for them that they simply cannot allow themselves to deal with or process it, they instead turn that focus to anger at others. While I can see that it could be easy for some who were abused by adoption practices to harbor intense anger, I do not believe directing it in this way helps people to heal. It certainly does not allow others to be treated fairly. Most people who adopt a child do not do this to inflict emotional damage on anyone, especially their child, or the first mother of their child. Most of those adopting wish only to help a child in need by sharing our desire to parent. No matter how painful some aspects of adoption might be I do not for see the need for it going away for some children. Personally I think that these groups might be better served by working to make adoption for those children, mothers, and adoptive parents who will join the triad a more educated, thoughtful and compassionate experience. Trying to get that message across to angry people wrapped up in the hate of their moment however might be like banging your head against a brick wall, it’s gonna hurt, A LOT, and will get you exactly nowhere.