So what would I plan to say meeting potential adoptive parents in person? How ‘honest’ could I be without sounding somehow anti-adoption? That is certainly something I think about.

The first thing I might do would be to ask how many of them planned on adopting a ‘healthy’ newborn with no issues. Once most of them raised a hand I might be very blunt and ask them to all please leave and forget about adopting.

I know, sounds awful of me. In all honesty though I now know all too well that any child who is placed for adoption, no matter how young and apparently healthy, will still have issues. Some people don’t really want to know or believe that, but they need to.

Raising children who are dealing with fundamental loss is a monumental task, one where the differences can’t and shouldn’t be ignored. I am not saying that loss and grief should occupy every moment of adoptive family life, but it does need to be acknowledged and addressed far better than most adoption agencies will honestly tell adopting parents. I really wish someone had told me.

I think I would also share with those potential A-parents, that being a parent by way of adoption is not the 'same'. Becoming parents to a child who has already lost one set of parents, for whatever reason, is not the same as parenting a biological family. Ignoring the loss, which is what most of society guides adopting parents to do, will not work well in the long run. Facing it can be the most daunting struggles you will ever experience, but If you are not willing to face that, then you really should not adopt. The issues are life long, they never go away, and there really is no way to predict which child will adjust to becoming an adoptee better than another.

People always told me that having a newborn, as early as possible, would take care of most of those issues, but I have learned they were wrong. The one child of my three who I actually met in the delivery room and was the first to hold, is the one who has the hardest time of all dealing with her loss. Some days I feel like she will never adjust enough to have a ‘normal’ life and will not ever be firmly and lovingly attached to me as her mother. I was not prepared for that, after all I adopted a ‘healthy newborn’ and was encouraged to believe she was highly resilient and moldable as modeling clay. Adopting parents should fully understand that parenting through adoption is not completely the same as parenting birth children. Children though resilient are not little lumps of clay.

I would also encourage adopting parents to learn as much as they can about any child they are considering adopting, and that child’s background. Doing what ever they can to ensure that a child is being ethically adopted, and actually is in need of adoption is something that those who seek to adopt should make more of their responsibility.

Looking back, with the knowledge I have on this end of our adoptions, I can now see that at least one of my children probably never should have been placed. That is a hard pill to swallow. I realize that I did not have enough information before that adoption to know that this child would have been best served to remain with their birthmother, but then I was not encouraged or guided to look deeper and be sure that this child actually did need adoption.

Once prospective adoptive parents have the understanding that they are going to be parenting a child with unique emotional and psychological challenges (even if a ‘healthy newborn’), and they see that parenting by way of adoption is not the same as parenting through biology, and they have made every effort to ensure that the child they are considering is best served through adoption, I would recommend they fully consider openness (although I know open adoption is not always possible).

Most often the families I meet have never really thought about openness, because they are not encouraged to by anyone, in fact they are encouraged to move on after adopting as if the new family was the same as one formed through biology. When families do that, without fully considering openness (when possible) they are really doing their new child a huge disservice in my opinion. If there is any way possible to have some level of positive contact between birth and adoptive families, it should be fully explored, and if entered into, done so honorably by all parties.

Considering adopting in 2008?

I really do believe adoption can be a loving decision for so many children, no matter where they are in the world. I would say go for it, adopt a child who needs a family! Before you do though, please do your research, look at all the possibilities, and carefully consider all the insights shared by those who have already adopted. You will never be sorry that you were better informed, and your future child will benefit from your loving preparation to bring them into your life.

You Adoptive Parents Are All Alike

How To Totally Confuse Yourself About Adoption

The Kind Of People Who Take Babies Away


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