Note: This is the first post in a multi-blogger series with social worker and open adoption blogger Ellen Rardin.

Disbelief. I pressed the phone closer to my ear and said, “Say that again?” The repeated words were the same but I still didn’t understand them. Well, I knew what they meant, but I wasn’t sure why it applied to us.

The lady on the phone said, "Technically, it's considered kidnapping when you take a child out of the county. Which is what you did with Craig when you moved across county line."

"What? But we asked our social worker before we did and she said we could as long as we finalized in the same county. She said it was okay because we were only moved one county over and would share our new address immediately.” I shook my head. “We did that.”

“Yes, I see that here. It’s in the file.”

“What did we do wrong?”

“Oh you did everything right – it’s just that it was never filed in the court. I’m Lilly’s* supervisor and cleaning up the paperwork here. I’m filing the motion today, but thought you should know.”

“Okay.” Good grief, yet another problem or mistake to chalk up on the board. This one was small by far compared to the others, but still irritation and anger rumbled in my stomach. I kidnapped my son is what this woman was really telling me. My son – well, until the courts finalized this I wouldn’t be recognized officially as his mother. It was easy to forget after all this time, that it wasn't final until it was final. “How about those other papers, you get them in yet?”

“No, we’re still chasing those down. I put a call in to your lawyer today, maybe she could help.”

Of course they didn’t get them yet. We had been chasing those papers down for over two years. I remembered the independent adoption workers words after we signed the placement papers, “I’ll put them in the mail this weekend and send you a copy too.”

I waited, and then asked. I was told again, “that weekend.” A few months later I asked again and was told, “Wait until the contested part is over with. No point in spending money for the home study until that’s finished.”

So I did, though I never felt right about it. Something didn’t feel normal about waiting to get the papers, even just my copy – it felt like we were in limbo. It felt wrong.

In March of 2005, the last time we were summoned to court, the judge looked for the social workers final report; he wanted to finalize our adoption right there, right after the contested adoption part ended. My lawyer told him we had been advised to wait on the home study.

That afternoon I called the independent adoption worker, told her we were ready and we needed the paperwork mailed.

She said, “Okay, I’ll get them out this weekend. You’ll probably get a big packet in the mail from the social services agency before they call you.”

Two months passed and no package. I called again and got the 'mail it this weekend' response.

Two weeks later I called again. Same response.

A week later I called my lawyer.

And every few days I’d call… again.

Then, miraculously, one day the social services department rang. They had gotten our names from my lawyer.

In November 2005 we had our first (and so far only) home visit. One of the first questions asked -- that’s right folks -- was if we had any of the placement paperwork. Apparently there had been much confusion within their department. They only knew about us because my lawyer contacted them and sent copies of what she had on file. Until that moment, we hadn’t existed for them.

Apparently that paperwork and some motion (this might not be the correct technical terms) had to be filed in the court within 45 days of Craig coming home with us.

Forty-five days. At this point, he was a month shy of being two.

I gave them the independent adoption worker’s number.

You know what she told the them? “Oh sure, I’ll mail that out this weekend.”

Three months ago, after many more phone calls, some of the paperwork finally came in. Some -- not all. We’re still missing two very important papers.

And now I’m a kidnapper. Or rather, I was until the motion was filed. ….

It’s frustrating and maddening. I wanted to take action before with the independent adoption worker, but didn’t know how and was afraid to.

Really, what could we do? I didn’t want to make the independent adoption worker mad and get a bad report. I had no idea what our options were. I did make a phone call or two to the state’s social services department trying to find out what agency we were supposed to use – I wanted to call them myself and see if I could get it moving forward.

At what point should we have raised our hand and said ‘excuse me this is all messed up’ and called someone else? Who would that someone else be?



Check back soon! Open adoption co-blogger Ellen Rardin will help shed some light these questions in her blog.

Have a similar experience or suggestions on what we could have done? Let me know in the comments below or email openadoptionblog2@adoptionmail.com.



* not real name