Most of us involved in open adoptions understand that secrecy in our relationships can be detrimental to everyone involved. Secrets in the closed adoptions of the past were usually kept in order to withhold information from an adoptee about their adoption, or to keep birthparents from knowing how their child fared in their life after placement. Even today a system of closed records, keeps secrets that harm many adult adoptees. Most of us now know that this type of secrecy often destroyed the bonds of trust, and did far more to harm parent and child connections that it actually... more

In my last post, I discussed how someone recently said that I was not what they expected when they found out that I was a birthmother.

When responding to and dealing with comments, one of the first things I do quickly and mentally is to think about my relationship with the commenter. Is this person a stranger I that I will probably never see or speak with again that started chatting in the card aisle at Hallmark? (Yes, that’s happened before, where I am talking about being a birthmom in the middle of Hallmark!) Or... more

"You're not what I expected."

Someone said this to me recently. They had never met me before but knew that they would be meeting me that day and knew ahead of time that I am a birthmother. I guess by their comment that they had some preconceived ideas of how I might appear or act and I’m guessing also by their comment that I didn’t meet their preconceived notion of a birthmother.

Perhaps they were expecting someone younger, like a teenager or perhaps they were expecting someone who is uneducated. Maybe they were expecting... more

In my last post, I talked about how I have recently realized that I was unprepared to answer adoption related questions after Charlie asked me a couple of easy questions. That wake up call has got me thinking about how I am going to handle the hard questions when Charlie comes to me asking them.

In fully open adoptions, birthparents and adoptive parents should probably discuss how much to tell when to the adopted child when questions arrive. While I believe one of the big benefits of open... more

Back when my husband and I adopted our first child, I think we were in the belief that adoption was an experience more than it was a process. We naively went along for awhile as if once the adoption was final, we could move on to the next stage in our family life and that would be that. Of course we had openness and contact with several of our oldest daughter’s birthfamily members, but we assumed that the issues inherent to adoption, were also mostly dispensed with when the adoption was finalized. Boy did we have so much to learn!

With many years, and the addition of two other children,... more

One of the positive aspects of open adoption that I often mention is that the birthmother is there to answer questions directly from the child when they occur. Questions don’t have to be held off until birthmother and child meet. Oftentimes, she could be emailed or telephoned when the child begins to have questions. However, are we prepared for these questions?

I guess I thought that these questions would come in the future, maybe more when Charlie was able to understand the birds and the bees. I’m not quite sure when I thought his questions would occur, but the truth is I... more

I shall be called by a new name, embraced by a fresh pair of arms, but I shall come and go, the eternal me. --- Rabindranath Tagore

I remember when we welcomed home our first daughter, feeling mesmerized with wonder about all the possibilities of who, over time, she would reveal herself to be. I loved thinking about how those tiniest of personality traits, and qualities may already be budding and developing. It was our new job to uncover and nurture those innate qualities... more

If anyone ever asks me about the type of work that I do blogging here, I usually describe it as having to do with adoption, and educational in nature. Of course I am hoping to educate others, but I am also involved in my own seemingly endless learning process at the same time. With that in mind you would think that things in my own household are fairly well understood concerning adoption issues right? Well apparently, as I found out today, you would be VERY wrong!

This morning I almost choked on my breakfast, when I over heard a conversation my... more

Today I was on the phone with my son’s birthmother P. Sadly since she has moved to another state, the extent of our relationship lately has been only through emails or phone calls, when either of us gets a spare moment. With me and three busy children in school, and P with a new job and a quickly growing baby boy at home, those times are beginning to seem fewer and father between. Sometimes the things that change in our lives, are in ways we had hoped to avoid, or with things we have little control over. For me this slowing down of our open relationship with P is one of those... more

Months after most of the rest of the adoption community, I have finally finished reading The Girls who Went Away by Ann Fessler. I must admit that I was somewhat hesitant about reading this book. The book is a compilation of interviews that Ann Fessler conducted with many birthmothers who relinquished children in the era before abortions became legal. I wasn’t sure if I would have much in common with these birthmothers or be able to identify with their thoughts and feelings.

Boy was I wrong! Even though the birthmothers... more