Deb's Personal Story

When my oldest was just a baby, and I first began coming to Adoption.com to frequent the chat room, the question I was most asked was, “what is your connection to adoption?” Basically they wanted to know how my piece fit into this puzzle they were trying to place together for themselves. Often I limited my response to A-mom, or adoptive mother, but my experience with adoption goes far beyond just this basic tag. Although some of my life situations do not fall under the legal concept of adoption, they most certainly follow the patterns for loss, connection, and adoptive association in every other way possible, as do that of several of my family members. Recently it dawned on me that perhaps people reading this blog… [more]

The best thing about being with someone for so very long, is that they get to know just what you need to pick yourself up from a really rough spot. They remember you when, as in when you were not so chubby, sporting so much grey hair, and how hot you once looked in leg warmers. Thankfully I have just that in my “retro love”, my husband of eighteen plus years, J. He knows this week has taken a toll on my sanity, and he understands why. Our dear five year old daughter mostly never lets a person catch their breath before the battle begins anew, so today he attempted to recharge me a little with a funny film as a… [more]

No I am not a birthparent. I never found myself facing the difficult decision of placing a child with another family for adoption, but I have found myself on the side of adoption loss, and unfortunatly more than once in my life. For me there was no decision afforded me, no choice in the matter, so I really do empathize with birthparents who have relinquished feeling like they had no control, I really do. You see I am a birthfamily member, an Aunt to several children of my middle brother, all placed in closed adoptions. As awful as it is for a birthparent to lose a child, I can tell you from experience that it also is on some level for their extended… [more]

Today I finally was able to experience what my son’s first mother did when she first learned she was expecting, I got to see his tiny little beating heart on a sonogram screen. I know he is three years old, and I know that I did not get to experience the added wonder of feeling his little heart beating from inside my womb, but it caught me off guard with a sense of wonder none the less. I was face to face with that smoothly pumping, sweetly ticking little part that makes life and everything else possible, my child’s beautiful beating heart. For my little boy, his first mother, and for me, this one little miracle has totally changed our own existence. Finally… [more]

Well my visitors of the last three and a half weeks have left us today. I really enjoyed having my nieces stay with us, they will be missed by everyone here. My girls enjoyed playing with their older, “cool” cousins, and my little son enjoyed the extra pampering he received. We really all wanted to keep R and K forever. The sad detail in this visit, is that it was just one of many similar sad goodbyes over the years for us, and it made me again wonder why it has to happen. The girls started coming to us as babies, being raised by a mother who bounced them around in her uncertain, mostly unstable world. We became their respite care. The topic of… [more]

My middle brother J called me today to wish me a happy Mother’s Day! I was very happy to hear from him since we have not always been so close over the years. The lack of closeness was not for any lack of love, but perhaps for just a general lack of understanding about how our life experiences have been so different. J is a 36 year old adoptee who is just beginning to come to terms with his situation in life. His has been a long journey complete with five failed marriages, a string of fathered but un-parented children (some placed for adoption), time incarcerated, un-employed, disconnected from our family and later reunited (sometimes not as happily as imagined) with his birthmother… [more]

This weekend was my daughter’s 10th birthday party and we had the traditional family, friends and birthfamily present. In the fuss before hand getting everything ready I did not notice something adoption related that I had left out in the kitchen until later in the midst of my daughter’s party when her birth grandma mentioned it to me. She was polite, I was embarrassed, and for lack of a better place to put this thing it still sits on the inside of my kitchen door. So what is IT you ask? Well the little piece of my past adoption story hanging on my (metal) back kitchen door is a 12x32 magnetic sign that asks the observer to “Consider Adoption”and Call J &… [more]

A recent post by Coley mentions an email from a birthmother struggling with how to process the diagnosis of her daughter’s adoptive mother with cancer. Coley offers some great tips on dealing with this shock and also how to support the family as they go through such a difficult time. Of course prayer is a positive and reminds those who are experiencing this that there is always HOPE for recovery. Adoptive families in open relationships can be affected in much the same ways when it is a sick member of the birthfamily involved. This news can come as a shock and the adoptive family often struggles with finding ways to help themselves and their child cope. Unfortunately in some situations the ill person… [more]

It is late here, my husband doesn’t know it, but I am thinking some crazy thoughts. I know with all the complications were are experiencing with all our kid’s biological families you would not think this would be crossing my mind. . . but here it is creeping in there when even I least would expect it too. I am thinking about a new baby. (Ok and I am telling all of YOU first!) Ok, now that I said that I have got it out there so I can reflect on why exactly I might be feeling that way at such an odd time (and why it isn't such a great idea). Well part of this might be that it seems like all the… [more]

Well a ton of news has been coming in here today, not all of it good. I got an email from my four year old’s great grandma that she was awarded full custody of my daughter’s seven month old baby brother (the good news I suppose). Then I received an email from grandma that birthmom R was arrested in another state for grand theft auto, a felony (the bad news). Somehow I was not surprised about the arrest, they have been looking for her for over a month now. She has enough prior issues she was on (broken) probation for that she will no doubt be incarcerated for quite some time. . . Again. I do not have to wonder what kind of chance… [more]