Holidays

A friend of mine sent me a wonderful book recently, "In On It: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption" by Elisabeth O'Toole. There's been so much written for members of the triad, what a great idea to have a resource for all the friends and family that support the triad members! A point I try hard to make in all of my books and speaking is that my choice to place my son for adoption was not just my own - it was a choice that had a profound effect on my entire family. I also know that my son's adoptive parents choice to create a family through adoption had a profound effect on their family… [more]

Every year since he was born, Tara, myself and Phoenix, along with my oldest son get together and have a small visit. I bring him presents, to say happy birthday with, and I watch my boys play together. Last year was especially great. Phoenix would sit on the steps in the play area at McDonald's and motioned for Nick, my oldest son, to sit with him. He was a hoot, and they had more fun together. I got to hug him, and sit with him while Tara went to get food. I still remember his first birthday. All of the adoptive family, plus some were there, and I had made a cake-a red velvet with whipped topping for frosting. Well, Phoenix was sitting… [more]

I had hoped to post this on Saturday, which was the official "Birthmother's Day". But I was spending the day with my family, which always comes first! This is pretty much how I've spent every Birthmother's Day, mostly because I never even knew it existed until I did the research to write my book! I still remember finding out about it, I was so surprised - You mean, all this time, I had a day? What I like best about there being a special day for birthmothers is that it is openly celebrating the choice these women have made, and honoring their existence. For so many decades, the opposite was true. Everyone trying their best NOT to acknowledge that… [more]

The deadline for the most recent Open Adoption Roundtable topic passed me by in the whirlwind of holiday preparations and travel, but since I’d already begun writing about it I’m going to post anyway. Next time maybe I’ll even post in time to actually participate! The topic is this: Write about open adoption and the holiday season. Our relationship with JellyBean’s first mother hasn’t yet progressed to a place where spending family time together near the holidays or whether to buy gifts for siblings or what sort of card to send have been anything but theoretical concerns—although I do hope that someday these are things we have to work out, because it will mean our relationship is growing in the direction we'd all like it to. But my thoughts on open… [more]

For many birthmothers, Mother’s Day weekend is one of the hardest times of the year. You are not alone – Mother’s Day is a hard time of the year for many other Mothers as well such as Mothers who have had miscarriages or mothers whose children have died. As birthmothers, some of us may we feel that we can’t celebrate with all the other mothers because our children are not with us. I know I feel this way sometimes in regards to Charlie. But I believe that although we are not parenting our children, we put their needs first when we made the decision to place our child for adoption and putting her child first is what a good mother does, therefore, we are good mothers… [more]

Earlier this week I spent almost an entire hour in the kids’ section of the Valentine’s Day cards looking for a card that was appropriate to send to my birthson. I picked up after card growing more frustrated with each one. It seemed like every card said “son” or “grandson.” There were even cards saying “godson.” If I wandered out of the kids’ section I found cards that didn’t use titles but they were more grown up and not very fun looking. I know there are birthmoms whose children’s adoptive parents are perfectly fine with them sending a card that says “son” or “daughter.” I never thought to ask Charlie’s adoptive Mom about this in the earlier years of Charlie’s life. I actually picked up my… [more]

I know that this time of year is very hectic. With the parties, pageants and presents, it is easy to lose track of time. Suddenly it is Christmas Eve and you realize, too late, things that you have forgotten to do. As such, let this serve as your official reminder to mail any cards or packages that you are sending to your child's other family. Do it this week. In fact, if you can, do it today! I've been guilty of this in the past. Buying a present for a birthday or holiday and simply not getting around to sending it or sending it too late. Sometimes I think, when I get far to over-analytical, this is a subconscious fear that my daughter won't like her present… [more]

I recently received an email from a friend who is an adoptive mom asking me a question about gifts for her daughter’s birthmom. Like many people this year, this family has to tighten up and spend less on Christmas so she was asking my thoughts on sending a home made or less expensive gift to her daughter’s birthmom that she has sent the past few years. Normally at Christmas we spoil our daughter’s birthmom but this year money is tight. Do you think it would be ok to send her something less elaborate or even something homemade? First of all, let me say that I am speaking for myself in my answer but I know there are probably other birthmothers out there who the feel the same… [more]

Christmas time is here. No denying it. And as you are getting ready to celebrate your own traditions, you might be wondering what your counterparts in adoption are doing tradition-wise this year. Are your child's adoptive parents doing anything similar to how you were raised when it comes to holiday celebrations? Are your child's birth parents gearing up for the holidays in the same way you are? While you may have a very open, honest relationship, things like holiday traditions may not be high on your priority list to discuss. They might not even cross your mind at a time as busy as this one! All the same, consider taking some time this year to discuss traditions that the other side participates in at this time… [more]

The holidays are right around the corner and some birth and adoptive families participating in open adoptions get together around the holidays. While the holidays are generally a stressful time of the year and get busy quickly, you should start planning your holiday visit now! If you haven’t scheduled a date and time yet do so immediately! Schedules can fill up quickly with all the holiday gatherings and parties so you’ll want to choose a date as soon as possible. You’ll need to choose where to have the visit. Would you be most comfortable in your own home? Or the others’ home? Or would you prefer a neutral place? Some of when you will meet will depend on what you want to do during this visit. Will you… [more]