Parenting/Birthparenting

A friend of mine sent me a wonderful book recently, "In On It: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption" by Elisabeth O'Toole. There's been so much written for members of the triad, what a great idea to have a resource for all the friends and family that support the triad members! A point I try hard to make in all of my books and speaking is that my choice to place my son for adoption was not just my own - it was a choice that had a profound effect on my entire family. I also know that my son's adoptive parents choice to create a family through adoption had a profound effect on their family… [more]

While the pressure to find the perfect name is a standard for any parent, for adoptive parents there is a door that opens up to a whole new set of questions that can become completely overwhelming. The Birthmother. Will she choose a name first? If she does should we keep it or change it? What if we have a name we’ve always wanted? Is there a “right” way to do this? We are unique individuals. This is why each adoption is so unique, and also why making a decision for a name will be unique as well. Most importantly, understand that your opinion DOES count. Talk about how you feel, be open and honest. On the other hand, also be respectful of what you… [more]

Rachel wasn't the only sibling to be won over by her big brother. Years later, when my second daughter was born, the process repeated itself. For Amanda, the day Joe’s status of “brother” became real was when she was five. Joe had come to visit in order to surprise Rachel at the Madrigal performance her school orchestra was doing at the high school. We were at the house, Joe, my parents, my husband and Amanda, waiting for the time to go to the school. Amanda had not seen Joe since she was little, and couldn’t remember it, so she was eyeing him closely during this visit. After a few minutes of visiting, Amanda suddenly ran upstairs to her room, returning in… [more]

“Your picture is in his room,” his mother had wrote. As usual, the questions I was too afraid to ask were the ones she sensed and answered before they were even asked. My son’s adoptive mother wrote to me in her very first letter about how she had placed my photo in his room, and had placed the gifts I sent him home with from the hospital on a special shelf. Each year, as the letters came, she told me of how they talked with Joe about me. In the beginning, it was simply telling him my name. As he grew, the questions became more detailed, and her answers followed. By the time he was 5, I had married and had just… [more]

I noticed a maple in our woods has turned red. This sight produces an instant memory for me that I feel in my entire body, quickens my heart rate, and ultimately, makes me smile. Back in the fall of 1985, it was just months after my son was born and placed for adoption, I received a call from my adoption counselor saying she had just received my first letter from his adoptive parents. My only memory of the months between walking out of the hospital without my son and that moment were of overwhelming worry. Nothing mattered in my day during that time. The only thought in my head day after day was "Is he okay?" I worried about whether or not he… [more]

I was recently talking with a young couple facing an unplanned pregnancy when the young man answered one of my questions with "I don't know yet, we haven't made any decisions, we're just gathering information right now." It was music to my ears. It is the standard reaction for parents, family and friends, of young women and men who announce they are unexpectedly pregnant, to respond with "What are you going to do?" Expecting an answer as to their decision to parent or not to parent. This, unfortunately, gives the impression to the couple that they must make a decision. That pressure to have an answer, to have made a decision, all to often leads them to jumping into a decision unprepared. And… [more]

I was so scared the morning we were to meet. Mom came along, she had been there the last time I saw Joe, she had kissed him goodbye too. When we arrived, my heart began racing as I saw them step out of their van. Joe's parents and I immediately hugged, and cried, and said “Thank you” to each other until we laughed. Then I saw Joe. His head came just up to my chin. I knew every detail of his face already from studying the photos. I said hello and hugged him, kissing the top of his head. After a minute or more sobbing into his fuzzy hair, it dawned on me – “I’m  probably scaring the pants off this poor… [more]

My son's birthday is coming up, so as usual, I find my mind wandering back to the time of my pregnancy and all the issues I was facing during that time. Making a decision to place my son for adoption did not come quickly, or easily. There was never that "Ah-Ha" moment when I knew it was my decision. It happened in degrees, like finding the pieces of a puzzle and eventually the puzzle was done and I had my answer, but I had a good idea of what that decision was before the last piece fit into place. I was 21 years old. I co-owned a printing company. I had a boyfriend. I taught Sunday School. And I drove a motorcycle. Year-round… [more]

So I went against the advice of my husband and friends and contacted my son's birth mom. If you remember from a post a few days ago, I had found her on Facebook and was wondering what to do next. It has been over five years since we last spoke and that choice was hers. However, when I found her profile, which included a younger half sibling of my son, I was in conflict over what I should do. It weighed heavily on my mind until I finally wrote her a note. It was very short and explained the inner debate I was having. I then told her I was leaving it up to her. If she thought the contact would be too… [more]

Well now I will never get to sleep. It is almost midnight and I was having difficulty falling asleep. So, I did what most Americans do these days instead of counting sheep; I got up to go surfing...the computer kind. Low and behold, who do I find on Facebook... one of my kids birth mom's, who we have not had contact with in over five years.