Open Adoption Concerns

My wife and I have two beautiful children, both of which came to us through the miracle of adoption. What a blessing. What a joy. Still, though, it’s been quite the bumpy road to get to where we are now. One of the toughest things we’ve had to deal with was the feeling of guilt and debt. I mean, our children’s birth parents gave us the most wonderful gift—the gift of parenthood—which came through a big sacrifice on their part. Our adoptions are very open and we’ve communicated freely and often all along the journey, which means that we saw the heartbreak in their eyes when they made the hard decisions. Even though they had their minds made up and they had their… [more]

Last month I posted a blog titled "What are you afraid of?" It discussed fears and how communicating these fears of adoptive parents and birthmothers is the key to building a trusting and successful relationship. My son's adoptive mother and I often shared our fears openly and I attribute the success of our arrangement to this fact. It was sometimes surprising to each of us to hear what the other was afraid of. So, I'd like to ask for your input here. Please comment on this and share with me your fears. Be honest, everyone has them and if we just start talking about them we can start getting past them. I want to hear what you think! This not only gives me… [more]

I was recently asked a question from a friend who was soon to adopt. She said that she liked the idea of open adoption, but didn’t know what level of openness they wanted for their family. It’s an interesting question and I wish more couples would take it seriously (this friend of mine is taking it seriously). Waiting for a baby is so very hard. I remember very well when we were waiting, especially the first time we adopted. There was no way of knowing if we would get a call within a week to tell us there was a child ready for our home or if we would need to wait five more years before someone would even notice our profile. Everything I… [more]

“I’m going to vote for him because he reaches across the aisle,” some people say. I hate politics. I hate it but I can’t help but follow it. Following politics is one of those chores that I do because it’s my civic duty, it’s what I think everyone should do, it’s yada yada yada. I ask myself, “What would it be like if politicians really had the public’s best interest in mind?” I mean, I think they want to do the right thing, but when push comes to shove their first priority seems to protect their career and their second is to protect their self interest groups. Instead, the laws and regulations that get passed all depend on what party is in charge-… [more]

I recently presented at an adoption event, sharing my personal story of placing my son for adoption in 1985 in an open adoption and how my relationship developed with him and his adoptive parents over the years. As is typical in these events, everyone in the room was crying, including some not-so-tough-anymore looking men. I talked with many of these adoptive parents afterwards. More tears. Seems to me there's a lot about this topic that makes us cry. What's more confusing, is that some of it is a sad cry, but just as much of it is a happy cry! Leaving the hospital empty handed, sad crying. Adoptive parents who have waited 10 years for a baby finally holding their son… [more]

Every year since he was born, Tara, myself and Phoenix, along with my oldest son get together and have a small visit. I bring him presents, to say happy birthday with, and I watch my boys play together. Last year was especially great. Phoenix would sit on the steps in the play area at McDonald's and motioned for Nick, my oldest son, to sit with him. He was a hoot, and they had more fun together. I got to hug him, and sit with him while Tara went to get food. I still remember his first birthday. All of the adoptive family, plus some were there, and I had made a cake-a red velvet with whipped topping for frosting. Well, Phoenix was sitting… [more]

I noticed a maple in our woods has turned red. This sight produces an instant memory for me that I feel in my entire body, quickens my heart rate, and ultimately, makes me smile. Back in the fall of 1985, it was just months after my son was born and placed for adoption, I received a call from my adoption counselor saying she had just received my first letter from his adoptive parents. My only memory of the months between walking out of the hospital without my son and that moment were of overwhelming worry. Nothing mattered in my day during that time. The only thought in my head day after day was "Is he okay?" I worried about whether or not he… [more]

When our first son was born my husband wanted to name him Obi Wan. Luckily for my son (who, at age ten, claims he would have loved the name) I was quick to veto that idea. Giving a child a name is no easy task and it is made even harder when someone else has already done it for you. Adopting a child from foster care often means your child comes with a name and deciding to make a change is not something that should be taken lightly. However, I understand the desire for many reasons. One child, who lived with us in foster care, was given a name that was a slang term for a good drug. Needless to say we called… [more]

My adoption story, while always continuing, does have a "happy ending" in that when my son grew to be an adult he was secure in who he was, who his family was, and how much everyone loved him. This "success" occurred for one simple reason: every single person involved did the right thing. I get it that this is rare. And you can't control the others in your own adoption story, but I'm hoping that by sharing what went right in ours, others will have a road map to follow. So I'll begin with why everything went right for me. First and foremost, I had a counselor that took the time to walk me through both options - parenting or… [more]

Well now I will never get to sleep. It is almost midnight and I was having difficulty falling asleep. So, I did what most Americans do these days instead of counting sheep; I got up to go surfing...the computer kind. Low and behold, who do I find on Facebook... one of my kids birth mom's, who we have not had contact with in over five years.