With Children

What determines success in adoption? Is it when the adoptive families feel they’ve forged a new family with tight bonds and lasting love? Is it when a birthmother can honestly say she has no regrets? Or is it when an adoptee grows up to be a self-confident person, secure in their knowledge of being adopted and secure in their feelings of being loved? How an adoptee feels regarding their adoption is almost completely dependant on the adoptive parents and birthparents that enter the agreement in the first place. It is because of this that I believe that success is best measured by the adoptee’s point of view. As a birthmother, I made my choice based on loving my child and wanting to choose what… [more]

Rachel wasn't the only sibling to be won over by her big brother. Years later, when my second daughter was born, the process repeated itself. For Amanda, the day Joe’s status of “brother” became real was when she was five. Joe had come to visit in order to surprise Rachel at the Madrigal performance her school orchestra was doing at the high school. We were at the house, Joe, my parents, my husband and Amanda, waiting for the time to go to the school. Amanda had not seen Joe since she was little, and couldn’t remember it, so she was eyeing him closely during this visit. After a few minutes of visiting, Amanda suddenly ran upstairs to her room, returning in… [more]

“Your picture is in his room,” his mother had wrote. As usual, the questions I was too afraid to ask were the ones she sensed and answered before they were even asked. My son’s adoptive mother wrote to me in her very first letter about how she had placed my photo in his room, and had placed the gifts I sent him home with from the hospital on a special shelf. Each year, as the letters came, she told me of how they talked with Joe about me. In the beginning, it was simply telling him my name. As he grew, the questions became more detailed, and her answers followed. By the time he was 5, I had married and had just… [more]

One of the challenges for every teacher each fall is recognizing, respecting and supporting the many different types of families in their care.  Adoptive parents can be instrumental in helping teachers with this task. Who better to teach the teachers than the people who know the adopted child best? The first step in building understanding is in helping teachers understand that families are made through adoption because they are powered by love. Children are placed for adoption by their birthmothers because they are loved and their birthmothers are willing to sacrifice in order for their child to have a better life. Children are adopted because adoptive parents have love to give a child and made the tough choice to go through… [more]

This movie, "Angels in the Outfield" was the catalyst for my daughter to fully understand that her big brother had been placed for adoption, and what that word really meant. She was 5 years old. She had always known she had a big brother, his photos were all over her room and we talked of him often. She had the vocabulary - adoption/birth mother/adoptive parents/adoptee - but not a deep understanding of how they all fit together. We watched this movie, where a boy in a foster home dreams of his father coming back to claim him and become a family again. The boy asks his father in desperation what it will take for his dream to come true and his father answers… [more]

I recently read an article where it was reported that Angelina Jolie was interviewed by Extra and stated that she's always been open with her children about the adoption process saying "Orphanage, birth parents, are happy words in our house, and it's not a thing." Jolie, like all many other adoptive parents and birth parents, saw the value in bringing the language of adoption into her children's lives early on. It always amazes me how many people still see adoption as a "thing" that is different, odd, or strange in some way. They look at me with wonder their eyes, as if they can't believe it's possible for any person, much less a child, to feel normal when adoption is a part of… [more]

Each visit with my birth son or each time I talk to him on the phone, he asks me more questions. I must admit that the first time he ever asked me an adoption related question I was unprepared! I was expecting these questions to come during the tween and teen years. I guess I forget how advanced typical children are nowadays. I stammered answering that first question and almost messed up for a second. I really was shocked as it was so unexpected! But luckily, I took a second, thought, and answered him openly and honestly. So, at some point in our child’s life, regardless of whether we are the birth parent or the adoptive parent, we are going to be faced with tough questions… [more]

Charlie has a pretty healthy understanding of adoption for the young age of six years old. He knows that he was adopted, that he grew in my tummy, and that I couldn’t care for him at the time so I found his Mom and Dad who could. He knows about other members of his biological family like his grandparents and brother and refers to them as such. He’s not embarrassed or ashamed that he is adopted and openly talks about it to anyone who listens. I’ve written about this every now and then and after reading those posts, someone recently asked me how A and S have explained things to Charlie in order for him to have such a healthy understanding of adoption at his age. To… [more]

This weekend was another busy one for me. My son’s 4th birthday party was Saturday, and my new sister-in-law had a baby shower on Sunday, both of which I made the decorated cakes for (as well as one diaper cake). Not even a second for me to catch my breath, let alone make a post here! Sunday I decided to make a ‘girls only’ event. I took along my oldest daughter Danika to the baby shower for her new Aunt and soon to be baby cousin. It was a wonderful time, my mother-in-law did a great job of hosting, and I found that I really like my new sister-in-law a lot. Danika and her younger cousin Alli enjoyed handing the gifts to the mom to be to… [more]

Today we were home from school (oh joy!) There were parent teacher meetings going on, but we were not involved because yesterday both my ten year old and I were very sick, and are both still recovering today. Of course she is feeling much better before I, and having her home two days in a row is giving me a big dose of her “tweenage” attitude, or so I first believed. I was sort of hoping that my oldest would help me with her younger siblings, so I could attempt to feel better myself, but unfortunately she had other ideas (as you can see from the photo, well ok, that was staged.) In fact I spent more time trying to keep her out of the commotions that… [more]