Feelings about Visits

“I’m going to vote for him because he reaches across the aisle,” some people say. I hate politics. I hate it but I can’t help but follow it. Following politics is one of those chores that I do because it’s my civic duty, it’s what I think everyone should do, it’s yada yada yada. I ask myself, “What would it be like if politicians really had the public’s best interest in mind?” I mean, I think they want to do the right thing, but when push comes to shove their first priority seems to protect their career and their second is to protect their self interest groups. Instead, the laws and regulations that get passed all depend on what party is in charge-… [more]

I peel the top half of a banana and hold it out to my little boy. The little man, who is about two months shy of his second birthday, claps his hands and takes it from me with a smile. He bites off the top inch then holds it out for me to take a bite. I tell him that I don’t want any, so he chomps off another piece and chews on it. He makes his way over to his baby sister, lying on a blanket, and holds the banana out for her to take a bite. Of course, Baby Sister doesn’t even have teeth, nor has she started on solid foods, so she just looks up at him… [more]

This post is an addition to my last post entitled "Hook Me Up To Some Electrodes, I'm ready for adoption..." Our second adoption was night and day different from our first adoption when it came to the birthfathers. In our first adoption, he did nothing but cause trouble. He paid no attention at all to the baby that was about to be born all through the pregnancy, and then after we’d had the baby in our home for a month, he decided to cause a ruckus. We later found out that the ruckus began after his mom found out that he’d fathered a child. Anyway, when our second adoption rolled around, Caleb, the birthfather, did want to be part of things. Let… [more]

In college I studied psychology and got my degree in sociology. I’m the kind of nerd that chooses to still study that kind of stuff even though I’m no longer in school, there’s no test coming up, and it has nothing to do with my choice of profession. There was a fascinating period of time where psychology was both the most shameful and the most interesting at the same time- in the 1950’s and 1960’s. Back then you could do these horrible experiments on unsuspecting people and just say, “Well, it’s all in the name of science.” Nowadays you’d probably go to jail for some of the crazy things they pulled back then. One of those experiments that you’d never be allowed to… [more]

Every year since he was born, Tara, myself and Phoenix, along with my oldest son get together and have a small visit. I bring him presents, to say happy birthday with, and I watch my boys play together. Last year was especially great. Phoenix would sit on the steps in the play area at McDonald's and motioned for Nick, my oldest son, to sit with him. He was a hoot, and they had more fun together. I got to hug him, and sit with him while Tara went to get food. I still remember his first birthday. All of the adoptive family, plus some were there, and I had made a cake-a red velvet with whipped topping for frosting. Well, Phoenix was sitting… [more]

“Your picture is in his room,” his mother had wrote. As usual, the questions I was too afraid to ask were the ones she sensed and answered before they were even asked. My son’s adoptive mother wrote to me in her very first letter about how she had placed my photo in his room, and had placed the gifts I sent him home with from the hospital on a special shelf. Each year, as the letters came, she told me of how they talked with Joe about me. In the beginning, it was simply telling him my name. As he grew, the questions became more detailed, and her answers followed. By the time he was 5, I had married and had just… [more]

I was so scared the morning we were to meet. Mom came along, she had been there the last time I saw Joe, she had kissed him goodbye too. When we arrived, my heart began racing as I saw them step out of their van. Joe's parents and I immediately hugged, and cried, and said “Thank you” to each other until we laughed. Then I saw Joe. His head came just up to my chin. I knew every detail of his face already from studying the photos. I said hello and hugged him, kissing the top of his head. After a minute or more sobbing into his fuzzy hair, it dawned on me – “I’m  probably scaring the pants off this poor… [more]

One of the key benefits to an open adoption is that a relationship is formed between adoptive and birth families, so a “Goodbye” at the hospital isn’t really a goodbye, it’s more like a “see you later!” How often everyone decides to visit will be a very individual decision. Some birthmothers will get to see their baby again in a couple of weeks, or months. Others, like me, may have to wait years but will still have a written or verbal communication during that time. Every birthmother who kisses their baby goodbye at the hospital immediately begins to wonder about when the next kiss will get to come. Contrary to the many fears adoptive parents may have, a birthmother’s desire… [more]

Over the years my son has done much to educate his parents, all of us. One of the first lessons he taught us was that the things that we each worried about the most - worried  him the least! For years I was afraid of the day he would look at me and ask "Why?" I was so afraid he would think he was "unwanted" in any way. His parents were afraid that if they were open about his birth family it would somehow compete with their own love for him and their security as a family. Despite all our fears, we engaged in an open relationship from the beginning, not only sharing with each other, but his parents sharing openly… [more]

When you are a foster parent you have virtually no say. You have to ask permission to cut a child's hair. You have to take the child to visits whether or not you see them as healthy or constructive. You are sometimes required to send a child back into a home, which is neither safe nor loving, and all that takes a tole on you. So much so, that sometimes, when foster parents make that transition into adoptive parents, they are almost crippled by the lack of power they had in the past. What I mean by that is, they are some parents who are normally protective and always looking out for the best interest of a child, who do things that are… [more]