Relationships

My wife and I have two beautiful children, both of which came to us through the miracle of adoption. What a blessing. What a joy. Still, though, it’s been quite the bumpy road to get to where we are now. One of the toughest things we’ve had to deal with was the feeling of guilt and debt. I mean, our children’s birth parents gave us the most wonderful gift—the gift of parenthood—which came through a big sacrifice on their part. Our adoptions are very open and we’ve communicated freely and often all along the journey, which means that we saw the heartbreak in their eyes when they made the hard decisions. Even though they had their minds made up and they had their… [more]

Well before my daughters reached the age of reason (which I mark as that Easter Sunday they refused to wear those adorable matching dresses) their adoptions were a regular part of the daily conversation in our kitchen, right up there with nail polish and ponies and the tooth fairy.  Lucky for us, in our community they were surrounded by children from all sorts of complex, un-matching, created families.  Many of their friends are also adopted.  They attended adopted family picnics at their elementary school.   Now in their twenties, they are in the vanguard of the new generation of adoptees who have grown up with openness-in which adoption is definitely NOT a family secret. Both girls came into my life as infants, both… [more]

“I’m thinking about coming out there to go to school,” Bri said. Jammie could sense some hesitancy in her voice and knew exactly the reason why. “You don’t have to worry about us,” my wife, Jammie said. “We’re not going to try to pressure you or talk you into coming out here to see us any more often than you are comfortable. Adoption stories are not easily told in a single blog post. Adoption stories, just like any good novel, begin somewhere and take a long time to unfold. Unlike any novel, however, the story never stops- especially nowadays when the majority of adoptions are open adoptions. “It’s just that… I dunno,” Bri continued. “I’m thinking that the university out there would be a better fit for me than the one here where I… [more]

I read a lot of blog posts. I enjoy blog hopping, especially with different adoption blogs. I don’t always agree with what I read, so it’s nice to see the other side of people’s opinions, especially from people somewhere else in the adoption triad. I read one the other day that I just can’t seem to shake out of my head. It was from a birthmother who had placed a child for adoption a number of years earlier. Her adoption was a closed adoption and she sort of “moved on” after placement, I guess. I don’t really know. Something brought her interest back into the adoption world and when she went blog hopping, just like I like to do, she encountered the term “birthmother” for the first time. I’m not really… [more]

I was anything but excited my when my phone beeped to tell me I had a text message. It’s not that I didn’t like getting text messages from my wife- to the contrary. In fact, I was really looking forward to hearing updates about what was going on at the hospital, but her message rattled me a little bit. “The birthfather is here. Don’t worry, he’s really easy to talk to and you’ll like him,” her text said. I wasn’t looking forward to meeting him. Of course, he had a right to be at the hospital. After all, his daughter was the one being born that day. If anything, I was the one who didn’t have any right to be there. So I sat at work all morning that day thinking about the… [more]

When I was soon to get married, one of the leaders in my church sat me down to have a good talk with me. There had been a lot of people like me that he had cornered through the years, especially since I was living in a college town where lots of us youngsters were getting married. And the conversation that we had, I assume he had had 100 times before. Still, he wasn’t the easiest guy to talk to. “Are men and women different?” he asked me. “What do you mean?”I wondered. I assumed there was some sort of trick to the question. Of course I knew that men and women were different. How could someone not think that? “I mean just that. Are men and women different?” he repeated himself. “Uh… yes?” I… [more]

Last month I posted a blog titled "What are you afraid of?" It discussed fears and how communicating these fears of adoptive parents and birthmothers is the key to building a trusting and successful relationship. My son's adoptive mother and I often shared our fears openly and I attribute the success of our arrangement to this fact. It was sometimes surprising to each of us to hear what the other was afraid of. So, I'd like to ask for your input here. Please comment on this and share with me your fears. Be honest, everyone has them and if we just start talking about them we can start getting past them. I want to hear what you think! This not only gives me… [more]

“No, actually,” she said. “That’s the only thing that’s been going right.” The birthmother from our second adoption was talking to her caseworker recently and told her that everything in her life was going crazy. “A lot of case workers have to work out the issues with the adoptive couple,” her caseworker told her. “Don’t worry, you guys will get it figured out.” And that’s when she said that we were the only thing going right at the time. We appreciated that more than she knows- knowing that she thinks we were a little ray of sunshine in her cloudy days. That was a few months ago that she told us that, and now that placement is a little further into our past, her days have been a lot brighter and she has been… [more]

I talked with another birthmother recently and once again heard how the relationship she is having with the adoptive parents struggles due to fears. Fear seems to be what holds back many from building a trusting relationship - on both ends. But more often than not, these fears are unrealistic. So how do you know if what you are afraid of is real? Simple: ask. I still remember a call from my son's mother where she timidly admitted to me that she was afraid he would get mad at her and get in a car and drive to me. He was in his teens and doing what all teens do: use every tool in their life toolbox to hurt their… [more]

I was recently asked a question from a friend who was soon to adopt. She said that she liked the idea of open adoption, but didn’t know what level of openness they wanted for their family. It’s an interesting question and I wish more couples would take it seriously (this friend of mine is taking it seriously). Waiting for a baby is so very hard. I remember very well when we were waiting, especially the first time we adopted. There was no way of knowing if we would get a call within a week to tell us there was a child ready for our home or if we would need to wait five more years before someone would even notice our profile. Everything I… [more]