Finding Support

“Kick, kick, kick!” I said, holding my little girl in the water. Back when I was a teenager, I spent a summer up on a lifeguard stand watching people splash and play. When I wasn’t up on my perch, I was down in the water giving swimming lessons. Being that I was one of the least experienced as well as the youngest of the swimming instructors, I was usually assigned to the younger age groups. When teaching kids how to swim, we started at the beginning- blowing bubbles and kicking from the side of the pool. The main goal with those seemingly simple activities was to get the kids accustomed to the water, breaking the fear of drowning by helping them get comfortable with water on their face, and learning how their… [more]

“I’m thinking about coming out there to go to school,” Bri said. Jammie could sense some hesitancy in her voice and knew exactly the reason why. “You don’t have to worry about us,” my wife, Jammie said. “We’re not going to try to pressure you or talk you into coming out here to see us any more often than you are comfortable. Adoption stories are not easily told in a single blog post. Adoption stories, just like any good novel, begin somewhere and take a long time to unfold. Unlike any novel, however, the story never stops- especially nowadays when the majority of adoptions are open adoptions. “It’s just that… I dunno,” Bri continued. “I’m thinking that the university out there would be a better fit for me than the one here where I… [more]

When I was soon to get married, one of the leaders in my church sat me down to have a good talk with me. There had been a lot of people like me that he had cornered through the years, especially since I was living in a college town where lots of us youngsters were getting married. And the conversation that we had, I assume he had had 100 times before. Still, he wasn’t the easiest guy to talk to. “Are men and women different?” he asked me. “What do you mean?”I wondered. I assumed there was some sort of trick to the question. Of course I knew that men and women were different. How could someone not think that? “I mean just that. Are men and women different?” he repeated himself. “Uh… yes?” I… [more]

I asked my dad once when I was a kid, driving alone together in our family van, how you know you love somebody. He told me that love is a pure emotion that pushes us to act. When you love someone, you truly want them to be happy. If your actions don’t go along with those guidelines, you’re not acting out of love. Those weren’t his exact words, but that’s the general idea of what he said and I remember it clearly. So where does that put us with open adoption? I read a series of posts on a Facebook site about someone wishing they could do more to help their birthmother to cope with her loss and to heal. The birthmother was… [more]

I was recently talking with a young couple facing an unplanned pregnancy when the young man answered one of my questions with "I don't know yet, we haven't made any decisions, we're just gathering information right now." It was music to my ears. It is the standard reaction for parents, family and friends, of young women and men who announce they are unexpectedly pregnant, to respond with "What are you going to do?" Expecting an answer as to their decision to parent or not to parent. This, unfortunately, gives the impression to the couple that they must make a decision. That pressure to have an answer, to have made a decision, all to often leads them to jumping into a decision unprepared. And… [more]

This past weekend was very emotional for me. I attended the OURS Adoption Conference in DePere, Wisconsin. It is held each year by the OURS Adoptive Parent Support Group. I presented all day, including the lunch keynote, so you could say that by the end of the day my life was a completely open book. What was so overwhelming to me were the dozens of people who approached me between sessions to share their story, and let me know how my story had changed their lives. I've always believed in sharing my story, even before it was a book, and have always encouraged others to do the same. There are so many fears and myths in adoption, especially swirling around birthmothers, that the… [more]

My adoption story, while always continuing, does have a "happy ending" in that when my son grew to be an adult he was secure in who he was, who his family was, and how much everyone loved him. This "success" occurred for one simple reason: every single person involved did the right thing. I get it that this is rare. And you can't control the others in your own adoption story, but I'm hoping that by sharing what went right in ours, others will have a road map to follow. So I'll begin with why everything went right for me. First and foremost, I had a counselor that took the time to walk me through both options - parenting or… [more]

Disclaimer: This discussion comprises my own thoughts and reflections on my own adoption experience. It is in no way intended as a judgment of those who have made different decisions. At the heart of every question I’m asked about open adoption is a wider and more overarching, yet deeper question: Why open adoption? This is a question with myriad answers; you might ask twenty different people why they chose open adoption—and get twenty different answers. The same person might give different answers at different times. I can only answer it from my own perspective, based on where I am now and where I’ve been. I have to make a confession: I didn’t set out to get involved in an open adoption. When we first set out to adopt, we thought we would… [more]

At the beginning of May, BirthMom Buds hosted our fifth annual get together for birthmothers in Charlotte, North Carolina. Our theme this year was The Road Less Traveled. We started the morning off with welcomes and introductions. Then we played a neat game called speed friendship that I learned from another blogger. We moved onto our breakout sessions in which the ladies could learn about challenges that come up in every day conversation as a birthmother which was led by Lani, moving forward in life and making creative collages as visual way to help you move forward which was led by Leah and her Mom Evelyn, and adoption scrapbooking which was led by me. We also had a craft – we made jumbo clothespins which… [more]

Wow, it is so hard to believe that it is already June! May was an incredibly busy month for me and in a way, while it was very exciting, I’m glad it is over and I have time to slow down. One of the exciting things that happened in my life in May was the get together that we host each year. It takes a lot of work and preparation to pull of this event each year so I am always so pleased to see it come together so successfully. This year’s theme was “beach bash” and coming up with décor and things for the goodie bags all related to the beach was fun and really had me wanting to take a vacation to the beach!… [more]