Sadness in Adoption

My wife and I have two beautiful children, both of which came to us through the miracle of adoption. What a blessing. What a joy. Still, though, it’s been quite the bumpy road to get to where we are now. One of the toughest things we’ve had to deal with was the feeling of guilt and debt. I mean, our children’s birth parents gave us the most wonderful gift—the gift of parenthood—which came through a big sacrifice on their part. Our adoptions are very open and we’ve communicated freely and often all along the journey, which means that we saw the heartbreak in their eyes when they made the hard decisions. Even though they had their minds made up and they had their… [more]

I asked my dad once when I was a kid, driving alone together in our family van, how you know you love somebody. He told me that love is a pure emotion that pushes us to act. When you love someone, you truly want them to be happy. If your actions don’t go along with those guidelines, you’re not acting out of love. Those weren’t his exact words, but that’s the general idea of what he said and I remember it clearly. So where does that put us with open adoption? I read a series of posts on a Facebook site about someone wishing they could do more to help their birthmother to cope with her loss and to heal. The birthmother was… [more]

This post is an addition to my last post entitled "Hook Me Up To Some Electrodes, I'm ready for adoption..." Our second adoption was night and day different from our first adoption when it came to the birthfathers. In our first adoption, he did nothing but cause trouble. He paid no attention at all to the baby that was about to be born all through the pregnancy, and then after we’d had the baby in our home for a month, he decided to cause a ruckus. We later found out that the ruckus began after his mom found out that he’d fathered a child. Anyway, when our second adoption rolled around, Caleb, the birthfather, did want to be part of things. Let… [more]

In college I studied psychology and got my degree in sociology. I’m the kind of nerd that chooses to still study that kind of stuff even though I’m no longer in school, there’s no test coming up, and it has nothing to do with my choice of profession. There was a fascinating period of time where psychology was both the most shameful and the most interesting at the same time- in the 1950’s and 1960’s. Back then you could do these horrible experiments on unsuspecting people and just say, “Well, it’s all in the name of science.” Nowadays you’d probably go to jail for some of the crazy things they pulled back then. One of those experiments that you’d never be allowed to… [more]

I recently presented at an adoption event, sharing my personal story of placing my son for adoption in 1985 in an open adoption and how my relationship developed with him and his adoptive parents over the years. As is typical in these events, everyone in the room was crying, including some not-so-tough-anymore looking men. I talked with many of these adoptive parents afterwards. More tears. Seems to me there's a lot about this topic that makes us cry. What's more confusing, is that some of it is a sad cry, but just as much of it is a happy cry! Leaving the hospital empty handed, sad crying. Adoptive parents who have waited 10 years for a baby finally holding their son… [more]

It's been a whirlwind month for me attending conferences, but I made some time to read a bit of Adam Pertman's newly revised "Adoption Nation" and it's already filling with notes in the margins for topics I'd love to discuss with you! He writes: "During the current period of fundamental change in adoption, perpetuating the myth that 'everybody wins' can impede progress by trivializing or even ignoring the feelings of grief, insecurity, and identity confusion that are integral components of adoption, for adoptees as well as their two sets of parents." I'm a big believer in calling to the mat all the myths within adoption, and this is a big one. Too often, I see writings that showcase open adoption as the "win-win" solution… [more]

So I went against the advice of my husband and friends and contacted my son's birth mom. If you remember from a post a few days ago, I had found her on Facebook and was wondering what to do next. It has been over five years since we last spoke and that choice was hers. However, when I found her profile, which included a younger half sibling of my son, I was in conflict over what I should do. It weighed heavily on my mind until I finally wrote her a note. It was very short and explained the inner debate I was having. I then told her I was leaving it up to her. If she thought the contact would be too… [more]

In the beginning of our adoption when my son was still able a baby, I dreaded leaving or him having to leave our visits. I dreaded having to say goodbye to him. I dreaded it even before the visit actually started, even in the planning stages that dread of saying goodbye to him was always there. Each time I had to say goodbye, I was taken back to that moment leaving the hospital when I leaned down and gave my small baby boy a kiss and whispered my love for him in his ear. It was emotionally exhausting to go through that with each and every visit especially at that point in our lives when our visits were about monthly. After awhile though, it became clear… [more]

Every single day I think about my birthson. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of him but there are days that I think of him more than others and thus miss his presence in my life more at certain times than others. Yes, we are in an open adoption, thus a part of each other’s lives but I do miss his daily presence in my life that would occur if I were parenting him. I doubt I’m alone in this. Sometimes there are triggers for times that I miss him more such as birthdays and holidays but at other times there isn’t any special date and I just find myself missing him more than usual. Perhaps it is because I see a mother… [more]

While I was away, my family and I took a trip to Mississippi for a family wedding. Mississippi is where I was born and where I grew up until we moved to South Carolina. I have fond memories of life in Mississippi and was very excited to go there as I hadn’t been in about five years. Before I left, I wrote about the trip. I knew that there might be some awkward moments with distant relatives (like third cousins and great-great aunts.) I knew that they might not know about Charlie or what I was up to in my life these days and their questions might bring up the internal do I tell or don’t tell debate. I was prepared for that. I thought… [more]