Myths/Misunderstandings

One of the most revealing conversations I’ve ever heard of regarding adoption took place between my brother and a young man who used to be our next door neighbor. My family lived in South Carolina when I was young, and, being a military family, we moved around a lot. Years later, when my brother was in the military, he found himself stationed back in South Carolina near where we lived years before. One day he packed his camera, loaded up his family, and drove to the neighborhood where we used to romp as kids. While he was out in front of our old house snapping off nostalgic pictures of the little brick building he hadn’t seen since he was 7 years old, the neighbor came out to spark up a conversation. “I… [more]

I read a lot of blog posts. I enjoy blog hopping, especially with different adoption blogs. I don’t always agree with what I read, so it’s nice to see the other side of people’s opinions, especially from people somewhere else in the adoption triad. I read one the other day that I just can’t seem to shake out of my head. It was from a birthmother who had placed a child for adoption a number of years earlier. Her adoption was a closed adoption and she sort of “moved on” after placement, I guess. I don’t really know. Something brought her interest back into the adoption world and when she went blog hopping, just like I like to do, she encountered the term “birthmother” for the first time. I’m not really… [more]

At the end of a long hard day of work, after the little people in our house have new diapers on and are sleeping soundly in their beds, my wife and I like to relax to a little bit of television. I like to watch my sports and my nerdy science documentaries while she prefers to watch 16 and Pregnant or other reality shows. We usually compromise on something we both like, which often ends up being an action drama of some sort. A funny thing happens within our little human brains as we watch the same type of show over and over again- we start to think that what we’re seeing is “normal”. In reality, if television shows reflected normal everyday life, would we watch? I mean, how entertaining are… [more]

I sat typing at the computer, eavesdropping on the conversation that my wife was having with a good friend. Her friend, like my wife and me, has adopted a couple kids. The topic of their conversation was about the hard day that this friend was having. She had a visit with one of the birth parents over a video chat and it hadn’t gone as she was hoping it would. The point of the conversation, though, was the fact that other people were making her feel like she wasn’t allowed to feel upset or frustrated with anything regarding adoption. Not all people do this to us adoptive couples, but there are people that do. A lot of the people who do don’t even realize that they’re doing it. For example, here’s… [more]

I talked with another birthmother recently and once again heard how the relationship she is having with the adoptive parents struggles due to fears. Fear seems to be what holds back many from building a trusting relationship - on both ends. But more often than not, these fears are unrealistic. So how do you know if what you are afraid of is real? Simple: ask. I still remember a call from my son's mother where she timidly admitted to me that she was afraid he would get mad at her and get in a car and drive to me. He was in his teens and doing what all teens do: use every tool in their life toolbox to hurt their… [more]

I talked to my son today on the phone. We haven't talked in a couple of weeks because we've both just been very busy. Afterwards he sent me an email with some dates he and his wife would be available for a visit. They didn't make it down for Christmas and all their presents are in a pile in my living room, no tree left to explain their presence. Life happens. And he's been knee deep in going to school to be a paramedic, volunteering as an EMT and Firefighter, remodeling his house, and finding time to be with his equally busy wife who is a nurse at the Mayo Clinic. But today, he called. People often ask me what Joe calls me - Pat, Birthmother, Mom, or even Aunt? It… [more]

“I’m going to vote for him because he reaches across the aisle,” some people say. I hate politics. I hate it but I can’t help but follow it. Following politics is one of those chores that I do because it’s my civic duty, it’s what I think everyone should do, it’s yada yada yada. I ask myself, “What would it be like if politicians really had the public’s best interest in mind?” I mean, I think they want to do the right thing, but when push comes to shove their first priority seems to protect their career and their second is to protect their self interest groups. Instead, the laws and regulations that get passed all depend on what party is in charge-… [more]

I learned so much from my son’s mother. She became everything to him that I could not. She gave him bottles, baseballs and band uniforms. She also gave him my love. She didn’t just love him for herself – she loved him for both of us. She made sure he knew not only the depths of her love, but mine as well. She understood and respected the fact that his life began with me, but continued with her. It’s because of this respect, understanding and love that my son’s mother showed, to not only me, but him over the years that Joseph has grown into a strong, self-assured young man who holds none of the fog that others wade in about their adoptions… [more]

It's been a whirlwind month for me attending conferences, but I made some time to read a bit of Adam Pertman's newly revised "Adoption Nation" and it's already filling with notes in the margins for topics I'd love to discuss with you! He writes: "During the current period of fundamental change in adoption, perpetuating the myth that 'everybody wins' can impede progress by trivializing or even ignoring the feelings of grief, insecurity, and identity confusion that are integral components of adoption, for adoptees as well as their two sets of parents." I'm a big believer in calling to the mat all the myths within adoption, and this is a big one. Too often, I see writings that showcase open adoption as the "win-win" solution… [more]

My son's birthday is coming up, so as usual, I find my mind wandering back to the time of my pregnancy and all the issues I was facing during that time. Making a decision to place my son for adoption did not come quickly, or easily. There was never that "Ah-Ha" moment when I knew it was my decision. It happened in degrees, like finding the pieces of a puzzle and eventually the puzzle was done and I had my answer, but I had a good idea of what that decision was before the last piece fit into place. I was 21 years old. I co-owned a printing company. I had a boyfriend. I taught Sunday School. And I drove a motorcycle. Year-round… [more]