There may come a point in your open adoption where the openness has become too difficult emotionally for you. You may be a wreck after visits for days or even weeks. You may feel like you need to pull back a little and need a little space and if you are anything like me, you might feel badly for it. Some may disagree with me, but personally I feel like if you need a little space then you should take that space. Visits are not going to do anyone any good if you are a mess before, during, and after them. If you need a small break, then I think you should... more

I was so unprepared for the pain I would feel in my heart the first time I heard Charlie call A. “Mommy.” It was something I had not thought much about while I was making my adoption plan. It was not a good moment; heart wrenching is a better way to describe it. That heart breaking event played over and over in my head for days, weeks, months and now years later.

I still get queasy thinking about that first time I heard him call A. Mommy. At first, I didn’t even realize what he’d said and who he had said it to. Then after a minute, it hit me that he’d said... more

If you’ve been doing much reading about or by birthmothers, whether it is here in the blogs or in the forums, you have probably noticed the word bittersweet used a lot. I’d never really used or heard this word a lot until I became a birthmother,but it just seems to perfectly and adequately describe the up and down emotions involved with being a birthmom, especially a birthmom in an open adoption, like no other word in the English language. Sometimes I think... more

Karianne’s recent post over in the Fertility Blog about Christmas Cards got me thinking about the first Christmas card I sent out after Charlie was born.

He was about three months old that first Christmas. A. had some individual portraits of Charlie taken a bit before Christmas and gave me a lot of wallets. She was really good about giving me a lot of wallets and 3 ½ by 5’s to give out to family and friends. So I had... more

Grief is something we have all felt in life. Whether it was not getting a promotion we badly wanted or loosing a family member, grief is universal. Everyone has experienced it.

Grief is a normal emotion for birthmothers. You are grieving the loss of your child and the loss of your motherhood to that child. Below is a brief explanation of the different stages you may experience as you are grieving.

There is no time table to grief and you may be in one stage longer than the other and you will probably go back and forth between stages. Grief is sort of... more

Lani (co-founder of BirthMom Buds and my best friend) and I were working on something and I thought I would share part of it with you all.

This is called “Remember When,” and it kind of takes you back in time to when you first found out you were pregnant, making an adoption plan, and relinquishing your child.

* Remember when you first found out you were pregnant, the shock you felt? The “what am I going to do now” thoughts that raced through your mind. * Remember when you had to tell others you were pregnant... more

We, as birthmothers, know that you do love us and you do want to be supportive and be there for us but sometimes you are at a loss as what is the right thing to say or do. Below are some suggestions of positive ways you can support the birthmom in your life.

The Do’s:

Support and honor her motherhood. Recognize the fact that even though she is not parenting her child, she still is a mother. Think of her and show your love for her on the tough days through out the year. Mother’s Day and her child’s birthday are two... more

As we’ve been talking in our support network series, our friends and family really truly want to be supportive most of the time. They really do want to do and say the right thing but they are probably unsure as to what the right thing to say and do is.

As I mentioned in the previous post we should educate them about adoption, about the correct terms used in adoption, and about our thoughts and feelings.

Below are some tips you can pass along to friends and family members. Send them... more

In an earlier post we talked about the importance of building a support network and discussed having other birthmothers in that support network.

But you also need people who are not birthmothers and who do not have a connection to adoption. People who can see the big picture that we may fail to see since we are so emotionally involved. People who knew you before you became a birthmother. People who are involved in your day to day life. People like your friends and family members!

Yes,... more

Yesterday, I discussed the comments that people make when they find out you are a birthmom. I gave a few examples of what I say to people when they make comments to me regarding my birthmother status.

Today, I will share a few tips on what you can do to deal with the comments.

Smile and thank for them for inquiring about your child. This isn’t always to do but I’m southern and my Miss Manners lessons come out and I feel the need to be polite. Wouldn’t my... more