I’ve heard several birthmothers involved in open adoptions mention lately that someone they know had made the “co-parenting and adoption correlation.” You know, where they’ll say that open adoption is a form of co-parenting.

I was thinking about this and wondering when someone thinks or says that where are they coming from? What actions in an open adoption are causing them to think that a birthmother participating in an open adoption is co-parenting? The next person I come in contact with who says that open adoption is like co-parenting I will ask why they think and... more

I still have weddings on the brain! In the last two posts, I have written about my son’s adoptive family being involved in our wedding and both his adoptive mom and sister were in our wedding party. As I stated in one of those posts, asking my son’s adoptive family to participate in our wedding and to be there, felt only natural to me however, I did worry about how other people would react.

At that point in time, Charlie was about one and a half years old. My parents... more

A huge part of the reason that I began looking online for open adoption related information and support, was that no one in my everyday life seemed to be involved in an open adoption, or appeared to understand the idea. Beyond those I knew who simply did not understand openness, most of the adoptive parents I continue to meet have no clue about openness, and do not appear really interested.

Of course I tried to talk to other adoptive parents I met about open adoption as a positive, but... more

Sometimes the mentality out there is that everyone who adopts is the same. Because we all welcome into our fold a child not born to us, we must all somehow be of the same spirit and beliefs. Often people paint the thoughts and imagined experiences of adoptive parents with one broad, generalized brush, but in truth the reality is anything but uniform sameness.

A person could know several adoptive parents, and never know any two who are alike or even vaguely similar, except that they adopted. People who adopt can be young or old, single or married,... more

“I could never do that.”

This statement makes my stomach churn every time I hear it and I’m sure there are probably some other birthmothers out there reading this, sitting at their computer desks, nodding their heads yes in unison.

First, let me clarify the context that I’m referring to in this post. I’m referring to the “I could never do that” statement in the context of being a birthmother, typically when I’ve just shared with someone who doesn’t know my story very well or at all that I am... more

Recently a friend from college and I were having a conversation about open adoption. She was telling me that lately she has been thinking that she and her husband might adopt a child but she was quick to say she would not want an open adoption. When I asked why, she responded that she wouldn’t want a birthmother telling her how to raise the child.

I was a little surprised that this statement was coming from her because she has seen me interacting with Charlie and his adoptive family before and I have never tried to co-parent. I may tell him “no” if... more

I was having a great conversation with a friend and fellow birthmom last night and the phrase “moving on” in regards to adoption came up in the conversation. I really dislike this phrase.

I’m sure most birthmothers have heard it before. Sometimes other people will make the comment “she just needs to move on” or “get over it” about a birthmother or sometimes even directly say this to her. To me personally, moving on implies moving past something and forgetting it. I think people who are not touched by adoption (and even some that are touched by adoption... more

There really is a deep social stigma against anyone who places a child for adoption, and though perceptions may have changed over the decades, those negatives have certainly not completely gone away. Birthparents are often subjected to rude comments and perceptions that are judgmental and unfair. People might wonder aloud why anyone would “give away” their baby. What kind of person does something that most could never imagine doing? While I have begun to understand how hurtful society can be concerning birthparents, as the years progress on... more

Open adoption is a fairly new concept for many people. It really has just become popular and more practiced in the past five to ten years. In this post, we will examine some of the annoying comments that people make when they find out you are participating in an open adoption.

1. “How nice of them to let you see him/her.”

This comment is usually said in response to me explaining that I have an open adoption with visitations and that I get to see my son.

Why this statement can be annoying to a birthmother: It’s a tad condescending... more

Let’s take a minute and examine some annoying comments a little closer. The annoying comments in this post are typically comments made about being a birthmother in general.

1. “I could never give my baby away.” Why it hurts a birthmother: Most of us (birthmothers) did not make this decision lightly. We spent many hours contemplating and agonizing over the decision. The phrase “give away” makes it sound as if you gave away a pair of pants that no longer fit. Yes, this might be getting a little picky over the wording,... more