Back when my husband and I adopted our first child, I think we were in the belief that adoption was an experience more than it was a process. We naively went along for awhile as if once the adoption was final, we could move on to the next stage in our family life and that would be that. Of course we had openness and contact with several of our oldest daughter’s birthfamily members, but we assumed that the issues inherent to adoption, were also mostly dispensed with when the adoption was finalized. Boy did we have so much to learn!

With many years, and the addition of two other children,... more

Today I was on the phone with my son’s birthmother P. Sadly since she has moved to another state, the extent of our relationship lately has been only through emails or phone calls, when either of us gets a spare moment. With me and three busy children in school, and P with a new job and a quickly growing baby boy at home, those times are beginning to seem fewer and father between. Sometimes the things that change in our lives, are in ways we had hoped to avoid, or with things we have little control over. For me this slowing down of our open relationship with P is one of those... more

Although it may not feel like it in some parts of the country (like mine lately!) the first day of autumn officially was Sunday. Hopefully the weather will catch up with the calendar soon!

If you have a visit planned for this fall, I have some ideas for you!

Note: Some of the ideas below will vary depending on exactly how open your adoption is, the type of relationship you have with your child’s adoptive parents, the leeway you have with visits, and your child’s age and are intended to include the child’s adoptive parents as well.

Go... more

Today, it’s just one week away from Charlie’s six year old birthday! It is so hard to believe that I am six whole years into this adoption journey. That means I’ve been friends with A for six whole years now and I’ve been a part of their extended family (and them mine) for six whole years too! Some days it seems like it’s only been a matter of days since I held that tiny baby in my arms while other days it seems like it’s been a hundred years.

Six years ago today, he was still in my stomach doing tae-bo as I jokingly used to say. (His kicks were way stronger than Noah’s... more

Today I was very relieved to get an email from my son’s birthmother P. While I know she is busy, she recently moved to another state, and she welcomed her baby boy M in May, I was beginning to get worried after not hearing from her in awhile. Trust me talking to her answering machine was becoming very disturbing, because I was beginning to feel an emotional connection with the electronic robo voice that files her messages away. Ok, it was not that bad, and I am not that strange, but I was wondering if everyone was still onboard with this open adoption gig.

I know our contact... more

In my last two posts I have discussed two different hurdles that have come up in the relationship between myself and Charlie’s family. With a little bit of effort, we have been able to overcome these hurdles. If you are facing a hurdle in your relationship, below are a few tips that have worked for us.

Talk – I can not stress enough how important good communication is. If you can not discuss what is going on then you will never be able to overcome it. Keeping it inside and not discussing it will only eat at you and could possibly make the situation worse. Talk open... more

In my last post, I discussed a hurdle that we are still currently working through. But there has also been one other major hurdle in our open adoption relationship and I thought I would share that one now. Unlike the hurdle of A and S separating that I discussed in the previous post where I needed a little space; with this hurdle A needed a little space.

In June of 2004, I lost the baby I was carrying at about twenty two weeks gestation. Needless to say I was devastated. That loss brought up a lot of... more

Many who are involved in the world of adoption feel openness is one of the best ways to see the placed child feel secure in their adoptive home, minimize feelings of loss, and feel valued and important to their family of origin.

If the birth and adoptive families are willing to come together and work hard to develop a relationship, it certainly could benefit the child in those ways and many others. The most important aspect is how well everyone really can work together to make this happen. If either family decides, for whatever reason, not to give open adoption their best... more

As parents it’s your job to make sure that you child feels safe and loved in their environment. People who pursue open adoption want that feeling of comfort and love to be provided by not just themselves, but the birthfamily of their child as well. That is why most of us choose openness and pursue contact. We want our kids to benefit from the positives that are possible.

Some people tend to feel however, that even if a child has uncomfortable feelings about a person in their birthfamily, you should just forge forward with that relationship regardless.... more

My middle child, who has several behavioral issues which seem to be exacerbated by her birthfamily’s current inconsistent presence in her life, has yet another difficulty to face off I am finding. Last week we received an invite to her biological little brother’s first birthday in August. A cute little picture of him was included, and my daughter’s only response was to ask, “who is that baby mom?” She already has forgotten who her littlest brother is, and it just flat out makes me angry that this has even happened.

For the whole first... more