As a birthmother those little out of the blue phone calls from Charlie’s adoptive mom mean so much to me.

They make me feel appreciated, validated, and remembered as an important part of Charlie’s life. She doesn’t have to call me and tell me when something exciting happens or when Charlie achieved a first as he often did during his first year, but she wants to call me and include me. I was the second person (aside from his dad) that she called when Charlie got his first tooth and said his first word.

I had one of those out of the blue phone calls this past... more

Not too long ago, Jan wrote a great post about when people say “thank you for giving life” to a birthmom. In her post, Jan stated that when it is worded like that it insinuates that a birthmother was considering abortion. I’d never really given that statement a lot of thought, but after thinking about it, it is true.

But, today, I’d like to touch on saying thanks to a birthmother in a different manner. Many times adoptive parents say thank you to a birthmother... more

Perhaps the confusion among the adoption opinions you will find is based in reality, after all everyone has their own unique view. I just have days when I find myself wondering which way to turn on some issues. I think I have figured out one basic thing though. When looking for solid advice and “how to” information to help you navigate the sometimes murky waters of adoption, it’s basically whatever you choose to believe. I have found that no matter what you latch onto, what advice you choose to follow, you will conflict with someone, at some point,... more

Recently I received an email from an adoptive mom in a semi open adoption. She was asking for advice on what kind of things to include in the update letters she sends to her child’s birthmother as well as what type of photos to send.

Letters The update letters an adoptive parent sends to a birthmom mean a lot to her so please take your time writing us a letter. Don’t scribble a quick note as you run out the door to the post office. Take a bit of time and sit down and write that letter.

Below are a few things that we love to... more

I admit I am bossy. I like to get things done and in the way I want to get them done. If you frame it in a nice and friendly context, I am a bit of a leader.

When it comes to the relationships in open adoption there are definitely those who lead their situation by making the arrangements and seeing everyone stays involved. I admit that this has often been my self appointed role in our three open adoptions. I pick dates, make phone calls, send letters and pull people together for functions, often when they seem uninterested. Are they... more

Being in an open adoption means sharing information right?

For those of us who are involved with birthparents and extended birthfamily and are generally very open about adoption it can still be difficult to know when it is acceptable to share information about our child’s birthparents with others. When you think about how your child and child’s birthparents might be impacted by what gets shared and with whom, you may find yourself reserving some information just for your immediate family. There is nothing inherently wrong with... more

Just because adoptive parents have committed to an open adoption relationship does not mean that they are also agreeing to a shared parenting experience with birthfamily. Most parents who adopt do so out of a great desire to fully parent children and there is nothing wrong with the wish to do that. Part of the loss that birthparents will go through in adoption involves the loss of authority to make daily and long term parental decisions for their birth child. This is a difficult loss, but that is part of the importance of placing parents fully understanding... more

As with any relationship an open adoption is bound to have a few bumps in the road at some point. Finding support and resources to help you and the others involved work out any conflict can be more challenging in some situations than in others.

If you worked with an adoption agency post placement services may be available to both birth and adoptive families or perhaps even joint counseling through the agency. If you adopted or placed privately and independent of an adoption agency you might find yourself looking on your own for a counselor/counselors... more

It is a dreary, disgusting day outside, which fairly captures my mood on the inside as well. I just put my four year old down for a nap after having a conversation I never felt we would ever need to have. I had done everything in my power to avoid such a situation, practicing the ideals of openness in adoption to the best of my ability, but the decision was pretty much taken out of my hands. I had to try to explain to my daughter that as of this moment we no longer know the state of her open adoption and can’t say for sure whether or not birth relatives... more

In the decades of closed adoptions, adoptive parents could choose to put the emotional details of adoption aside to come back and deal with at some future time, perhaps when their child became an adult and wanted to connect to birthfamily. Of course we have also learned with time that the system and process of closed adoptions is one that did not work well for most people involved. Many people were not told details and as a result had many questions which their adoptive families also had no clear answers for.

In the open adoptions of... more