I just told the readers of the unplanned pregnancy blog how important it is to discuss and consider conflict resolution while in the matching process. And so, I ask you, my birth and adoptive parents living in open adoption: are you communicating? And I don't simply mean are you talking, sending pics or even visiting. I mean: are you communicating.

Are you hearing one another? Are you addressing conflict? Are you coming to resolutions? Are you respecting the others boundaries while still working on your own issues and moving towards healing (or whatever... more

While I was pregnant with Charlie, every decision that I made put his needs above my own. That’s the way it should be; a mother putting her child’s needs above her own, right?

Once he was born, his needs were still most important to me, which is why I followed through with the adoption plan I had in place but it did change a little bit in regards to my feelings and visits. While Charlie was a baby, if I was feeling emotional and had a visit coming up, I’d re-schedule the visit. If a birthday party made me feel uncomfortable, I’d not go or leave early. While I loved (and still do of course!) Charlie dearly and wanted to spend time with him, there were also times I had to put what I... more

Recently I was having a conversation with an adult adoptee, E. We were discussing the fact that some people can not see to grasp the fact that a child (grown or not) can love more than one mother or father. She was explaining to me how many of her extended family members were shocked when she began to search for her birth mother. They didn’t understand that it is possible for her to love both her birthmother and her adoptive mother. She wondered aloud if her adoption had been open (instead of closed as that was the era she was born in) if her extended family would have been... more

I have recently (as in last week) been diagnosed with a serious eye condition that will probably eventually require me to have a cornea transplant in my left eye.

Although no one in my family has this condition (at least that my parents and I are aware of) it can often be genetic. Therefore, as a birthmom in an open adoption it’s my responsibility to call A and let her know about this new diagnosis so she can have Charlie checked for it. While it’s not life threatening and treatment as a child is actually less invasive than treatment as an adult, it is still a phone... more

I have a friend and reader who is also a birthmother who is going through something at the moment and I thought I’d bring this situation to the masses to possibly get some feedback from all of you reading.

Let me present you with the situation first…

M, is a birthmother who placed her son in an open adoption directly following his birth. He is now four years old. She has a pretty good friendship/relationship with his adoptive mother. She (M, the birthmother) is now pregnant with a baby girl that she will be parenting. As she nears her due date, she has... more

Although it isn’t officially summer yet it sure feels like it here in the South! Summer is a great time for visits as the kids get out of school, the days tend to feel longer, etc. I think there is just a more fun feel to summer. I have some ideas of ways you can have fun with your child on summertime visits.

Note: Some of the ideas below will vary depending on exactly how open your adoption is, the type of relationship you have with your child’s adoptive parents, the leeway you have with visits, and your child’s age. The ideas below are intended to include the... more

I’ve been doing an impromptu mini series on the “post visit blues” which is the nickname I have given the sadness and depression a birthmother sometimes feels after a visit. Yesterday, I shared with you ways that I personally try to cope with the post visit blues. So, today, I’ve reached out to my birthmother friends and asked them how they cope.

First of all, L made a really good point. For her the sadness after... more

In my last post, I talked about “the post visit blues,” the nickname I have given to the overwhelming feelings of sadness that some birthmothers may experience after a visit with their child. I generally feel sadness and “let down” after a visit but this particular time it’s more intense and lasting longer than usual. Since I have been dealing with this for six years now, I have come up with some methods of coping that work for me.

1. Acknowledge the feelings. It’s important that... more

The downside to my recent visit with Charlie and his family for his Kindergarten graduation has been dealing with my emotions afterwards. It was bittersweet being able to attend his graduation ceremony. It was amazing spending time with him and seeing his personality come through more than I ever have before.

But at the same time leaving him was so hard. Usually I try to prepare myself ahead of time for the “goodbye.” I tend to try and think of it as “see... more

In my last post, I wrote about how there can be an initial change in the closeness between the adoptive mother and birthmother once the baby is born. Writing that post got me thinking in general about the friendship between adoptive mothers and birthmothers.

It is pretty common nowadays for adoptive mothers and birthmothers to be friends or be friendly with one another at the very least. This is very different from birthmothers and adoptive mothers of previous generations as they didn’t... more