It seems like when society is thinking about birthmothers we often fit into one of two categories. We are either a sinner or a saint.

Some of us are viewed as sinners because we were unwed at the time we unexpectedly became pregnant so we committed what many view as a “sin” by getting pregnant. We are sinners because we shamed our families by getting pregnant. We are sinners because we did the unthinkable and “gave our babies away.” Some of you may be thinking that people don’t think that sort of thing in this day and age and granted that line of thinking probably... more

One of the biggest negatives that I have come across with our open adoption has to be society’s view of open adoption.

Society just doesn’t get it. People who do not have a direction connection to adoption (and even some of those that do!) don’t understand how in the world it could be beneficial for an adopted child to know both his birth family and his adoptive family, To begin with, many people don’t understand how a woman could just “give away her child” which would then make understanding open adoption very difficult. But for those who put that thought out of mind and just focus... more

Adoption already sets a family apart from other, more traditional families, but having an open adoption with a higher level of contact, tends to separate those families even further. At the same time a family in an open adoption might feel alone in their experiences, they also tend to be sort of a fascination to others. We often get the interesting comments, the shocked responses about our degree of openness, and sometimes the avoidance of other adoptive families, because you know what we “have” just might be catching. The feeling I would compare open adoption to is that of being... more

In my last post I discussed how to respond to a comment regarding your status as a birthmother if the comment is negative. In this post, we will discuss positive comments and how to establish and set boundaries in conversations.

If their comment is of the positive nature, then it is much easier and more fun to respond! When they are responding positively, I find myself much more likely to open up and share parts of my adoption story with them. I am even willing to pull out photos and show them... more

Sometimes once you divulge to someone that you are a birthmother, they respond negatively or perhaps their attitude and demeanor just seems to change. Either way, you are probably feeling judged and guarded at this point in the conversation.

So, how should one respond as birthmother dealing with the negative comments of strangers or acquaintances? If you feel like it, then educate them about adoption. Maybe they are unaware that there really isn’t a stereotypical birthmother nowadays, maybe they are unaware that birthmothers really do love their children, or maybe... more

In my last post, I discussed how someone recently said that I was not what they expected when they found out that I was a birthmother.

When responding to and dealing with comments, one of the first things I do quickly and mentally is to think about my relationship with the commenter. Is this person a stranger I that I will probably never see or speak with again that started chatting in the card aisle at Hallmark? (Yes, that’s happened before, where I am talking about being a birthmom in the middle of Hallmark!) Or... more

"You're not what I expected."

Someone said this to me recently. They had never met me before but knew that they would be meeting me that day and knew ahead of time that I am a birthmother. I guess by their comment that they had some preconceived ideas of how I might appear or act and I’m guessing also by their comment that I didn’t meet their preconceived notion of a birthmother.

Perhaps they were expecting someone younger, like a teenager or perhaps they were expecting someone who is uneducated. Maybe they were expecting... more

Ok, first of all I have to apologize to Julia Fuller, who wrote a perfectly wonderful post about SAD, that I sort of played on the title of here. I happened upon her post, and was looking for a way to accurately describe what the heck I am going through right now. It seemed to fit in a way, allow me to explain why.

Right now basically I am depressed. No not your average type of depression, or even the seasonal effective disorder that Julia out lined so well. Mine is more of... more

As some may (or may not) have noticed, I have not been writing very much as of late. I am right along with those others on the blogs who have been feeling worn down physically by events, and emotionally working with my challenging children. Mix that along with the challenges that contact and open adoption... more

I really think my opinions about open adoption tend to walk a narrow line between knowing it can be positive, and knowing it can often be not so positive. I have experienced it both ways, and in even our most open ongoing relationship, there is warmth and understanding as well as intense times of disagreement and resentment.

If some people expect me to be always totally positive about open adoption, they will be sadly disappointed. If people wish to hear me consistently spout nothing but negatives about openness, then again, someone... more