Although the goings on in the small Louisiana town of Jena recently may not appear at first glance to directly have anything to do with adoption, or even open adoption, I urge you to take a closer look. This case where six African American students have suffered extreme injustice, while white students have for all intents and purposes walked free, lays bare the root of the racial issues still vastly ignored (by whites) in our nation. Those who have crossed this invisible line through... more

As some may (or may not) have noticed, I have not been writing very much as of late. I am right along with those others on the blogs who have been feeling worn down physically by events, and emotionally working with my challenging children. Mix that along with the challenges that contact and open adoption... more

I really think my opinions about open adoption tend to walk a narrow line between knowing it can be positive, and knowing it can often be not so positive. I have experienced it both ways, and in even our most open ongoing relationship, there is warmth and understanding as well as intense times of disagreement and resentment.

If some people expect me to be always totally positive about open adoption, they will be sadly disappointed. If people wish to hear me consistently spout nothing but negatives about openness, then again, someone... more

A huge part of the reason that I began looking online for open adoption related information and support, was that no one in my everyday life seemed to be involved in an open adoption, or appeared to understand the idea. Beyond those I knew who simply did not understand openness, most of the adoptive parents I continue to meet have no clue about openness, and do not appear really interested.

Of course I tried to talk to other adoptive parents I met about open adoption as a positive, but... more

My five year old and I have a relationship all right, but it is not what I wanted or dreamed of for us. I see other parents talking of the lost connection to a child who pushes buttons rather than answers the door, and I get, I really do. It hurts me to see other people, like Nancy from the attachment blog, unfairly criticized for things, she may have long beat her head against a wall, in hope of changing. If simply pointing an accusing finger at mom or dad were a solution, all... more

Rebecca had some great posts about the kind of assumptions that people often make, upon seeing a family that doesn’t match. It is really sort of a quirky human desire to want to match people off and define in our mind what they are about, but that does not make it any easier I have found being on the receiving end of the assumptions.

Well ours is also a family that does... more

I usually think of the elderly as kind, gentle spirits, and most of them certainly are, but today I received a little reminder that sometimes an old mind can be a catacomb for old ideas, perceptions and hate from the past. Our family had a subtle, yet no less hurtful, racist encounter this afternoon thanks to a seemingly harmless elderly couple.

Today, after dropping off our oldest for a visit with her grandparents, my husband and I took our younger two out for a treat of ice cream in our small (and often backwards) midwest town. As we went into... more

Sometimes the mentality out there is that everyone who adopts is the same. Because we all welcome into our fold a child not born to us, we must all somehow be of the same spirit and beliefs. Often people paint the thoughts and imagined experiences of adoptive parents with one broad, generalized brush, but in truth the reality is anything but uniform sameness.

A person could know several adoptive parents, and never know any two who are alike or even vaguely similar, except that they adopted. People who adopt can be young or old, single or married,... more

“I could never do that.”

This statement makes my stomach churn every time I hear it and I’m sure there are probably some other birthmothers out there reading this, sitting at their computer desks, nodding their heads yes in unison.

First, let me clarify the context that I’m referring to in this post. I’m referring to the “I could never do that” statement in the context of being a birthmother, typically when I’ve just shared with someone who doesn’t know my story very well or at all that I am... more

Of all the twists and turns in the adoption community, one new thing I have noticed is a small crop of adoptive parents who profess to understand everything that is wrong with adoption, and believe they connect completely with birthparents and their unique issues. This is no small feat in my mind. I will not mention names, or point fingers, but it suffices to say, they are out there. Many readers here may already have met someone like them, and will know what I am talking about.

Let me just say, I know some things that are... more