Open Adoption

By the late 1970’s and into the 1980’s, adoption agencies began to experiment with open adoption. The days when adoption was kept a secret began to dissolve and people began to embrace the idea of adoption. As adopted children and biological parents began to show an increased desire to have a relationship, that brought on a desire to have a relationship from the very beginning of the child’s life. Having an open adoption from the very beginning made it possible to avoid the disappointment and difficulty of trying to find one another later on in life. Relationships between adopted children and their biological parents were still very uncommon in the early 1980’s since the practice was viewed as radical, risky, and experimental. Gradually, throughout the decade, seeing that there were a… [more]

Before World War 2 there were few laws regarding adoption. Child trafficking and other problems arose because there were no regulations to keep them in check. War has a way of changing society, though, and after The Good War was over and the baby boom era began, the number of babies born to unwed mothers rose. With the increased number of unwed pregnancies, the government stepped in and created laws to make adoption more possible and desirable. Unexpected pregnancies were still considered something to keep hushed up, so the new laws made it so a biological mother could place her child up for adoption and the records would be sealed up from public access, making it possible for a woman to carry on with her life like nothing had ever… [more]

She was the most beautiful little girl I had ever laid my eyes on! There are a lot of things that have made my life as an adoptive father unique. One of those differences that I love is the fact that both of our adoptions were blessed by women who let us be part of the hospital experience. For both adoptions, we were both in the delivery room. I imagine that adoptive parents are the only ones who are able to experience the joy of standing together, hand in hand, over the newborn child while the nurses suck out the baby’s nose, squirt goo into the child’s eyes, poke and prod and do all the things they were trained to do. Usually it’s the father that gets to watch while mom… [more]

I sat typing at the computer, eavesdropping on the conversation that my wife was having with a good friend. Her friend, like my wife and me, has adopted a couple kids. The topic of their conversation was about the hard day that this friend was having. She had a visit with one of the birth parents over a video chat and it hadn’t gone as she was hoping it would. The point of the conversation, though, was the fact that other people were making her feel like she wasn’t allowed to feel upset or frustrated with anything regarding adoption. Not all people do this to us adoptive couples, but there are people that do. A lot of the people who do don’t even realize that they’re doing it. For example, here’s… [more]

Last post I asked you to share your adoption fears with me and one reader wrote about the fear of a birthmother changing her mind and the financial impact of this. I'll be honest here, I don't really know much about this but I'd love to hear from all of you and learn more. I find it interesting that something that is a fear for an adoptive parent isn't shared with a birthmother. This just reiterates my point that there is too much that we are not sharing with both sides of the table! As a birthmother, I was never told anything about the financial risk or responsibilities of my choice for the adoptive parents. I have no idea what it costs for… [more]

When I was soon to get married, one of the leaders in my church sat me down to have a good talk with me. There had been a lot of people like me that he had cornered through the years, especially since I was living in a college town where lots of us youngsters were getting married. And the conversation that we had, I assume he had had 100 times before. Still, he wasn’t the easiest guy to talk to. “Are men and women different?” he asked me. “What do you mean?”I wondered. I assumed there was some sort of trick to the question. Of course I knew that men and women were different. How could someone not think that? “I mean just that. Are men and women different?” he repeated himself. “Uh… yes?” I… [more]

Last month I posted a blog titled "What are you afraid of?" It discussed fears and how communicating these fears of adoptive parents and birthmothers is the key to building a trusting and successful relationship. My son's adoptive mother and I often shared our fears openly and I attribute the success of our arrangement to this fact. It was sometimes surprising to each of us to hear what the other was afraid of. So, I'd like to ask for your input here. Please comment on this and share with me your fears. Be honest, everyone has them and if we just start talking about them we can start getting past them. I want to hear what you think! This not only gives me… [more]

“No, actually,” she said. “That’s the only thing that’s been going right.” The birthmother from our second adoption was talking to her caseworker recently and told her that everything in her life was going crazy. “A lot of case workers have to work out the issues with the adoptive couple,” her caseworker told her. “Don’t worry, you guys will get it figured out.” And that’s when she said that we were the only thing going right at the time. We appreciated that more than she knows- knowing that she thinks we were a little ray of sunshine in her cloudy days. That was a few months ago that she told us that, and now that placement is a little further into our past, her days have been a lot brighter and she has been… [more]

When I was a single college student, being a musician, I used to host what we called “Acoustic Night” once a month at my house. My friends and I would invite a bunch of people over to listen to a variety of people play songs on their acoustic guitars and we’d make an evening of it. It was a lot of fun. One evening, though, after the whole shin-dig was over and I thought everybody had left, I could hear some voices coming from my kitchen. I walked in to find three guys helping themselves to my fridge and my cupboards, preparing themselves some food and laughing about it the whole time they did it. I snatched the sandwich right out… [more]

I talked with another birthmother recently and once again heard how the relationship she is having with the adoptive parents struggles due to fears. Fear seems to be what holds back many from building a trusting relationship - on both ends. But more often than not, these fears are unrealistic. So how do you know if what you are afraid of is real? Simple: ask. I still remember a call from my son's mother where she timidly admitted to me that she was afraid he would get mad at her and get in a car and drive to me. He was in his teens and doing what all teens do: use every tool in their life toolbox to hurt their… [more]