Open Adoption

I had to think quite a bit about how I wanted to approach this edition of the Open Adoption Roundtable, which deals with disagreement about open adoption—between those on the same side of the triad. Initially I thought: I’m completely unqualified to even begin to answer this one. While George and I weren’t entirely on the same page with regard to openness when we first started out, we came to a consensus fairly quickly and easily. And certainly the “classic Hallmark movie of the year scenario” doesn’t apply to us; the few close relatives who had concerns early on in the process proved to be wonderfully open to learning about it, and with good communication we were able to dispel some of the myths and allay some of their… [more]

They say that loss is always involved on all sides of the triad—to the first parent, the loss of the placed child; to the adopted child, the loss of the first parents and of one’s own biological roots; to the adoptive parent, the loss of the biological child who might have been. But only the first two of these are strictly adoption-related losses: Had George and I never adopted, we still would have experienced the loss of our biological children who were never born; conversely, some parents come to adopt even though they are perfectly able to bear children (and often with biological children already part of their families). So while it is often true that there is loss on all sides, the losses of the first parent and the adopted… [more]

I thought I had more time to finish my post for the current (or rather, latest) Open Adoption Roundtable, but I appear to have missed the deadline. Again. But since I’d already started writing—and I guess what I have to say is worthwhile even though I lost track of time—I’m going to post my thoughts anyway. In the spirit of the new year—January is, after all, a time of resolutions—the recent topic is: How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010? As usual, my mind goes in several different directions with this topic, to both personal and more general issues. In my own OA relationship, I am fairly proactive. By necessity I initiate most of the contact between D and us. I don’t mind this (except when… [more]

In my last post, I began a discussion of the question Why Open Adoption? I realized as I was writing that there simply wasn’t room to explore the different facets of the question in one post, so I titled it “Why Open Adoption? Part 1” and looked at the question from one angle: Why did George and I decide open adoption was right for our family? There is another way of looking at the question, and that, I think, is what people are getting at when they ask, “Why open adoption?”: Why is open adoption a worthwhile pursuit in the first place? As with most questions surrounding adoption, the answers to this question vary depending on whom you ask. I can answer only from my own perspective, and even that leaves… [more]

Disclaimer: This discussion comprises my own thoughts and reflections on my own adoption experience. It is in no way intended as a judgment of those who have made different decisions. At the heart of every question I’m asked about open adoption is a wider and more overarching, yet deeper question: Why open adoption? This is a question with myriad answers; you might ask twenty different people why they chose open adoption—and get twenty different answers. The same person might give different answers at different times. I can only answer it from my own perspective, based on where I am now and where I’ve been. I have to make a confession: I didn’t set out to get involved in an open adoption. When we first set out to adopt, we thought we would… [more]

The deadline for the most recent Open Adoption Roundtable topic passed me by in the whirlwind of holiday preparations and travel, but since I’d already begun writing about it I’m going to post anyway. Next time maybe I’ll even post in time to actually participate! The topic is this: Write about open adoption and the holiday season. Our relationship with JellyBean’s first mother hasn’t yet progressed to a place where spending family time together near the holidays or whether to buy gifts for siblings or what sort of card to send have been anything but theoretical concerns—although I do hope that someday these are things we have to work out, because it will mean our relationship is growing in the direction we'd all like it to. But my thoughts on open… [more]

In response to my introduction last week, japatt09 wrote: Wow but what comes to my mind is the following questions:What if she wants her daugher back, what if she starts to stalk you guys or if she tries to get to involved, or what if your daughter wants to be with her one day? I know these are blunt questions and I dont mean to be rude-its just that I have thought of this method but I had these questions I was glad to see these questions, because they’re common concerns among people considering how open they’d like a future adoption to be, and they were questions I’d planned to discuss in a future entry. I haven't done any research to back this up, but I think many—if not most—adoptive parents in… [more]

Those who know me—in my offline life and on forums, including those here at Adoption.com—know that I have a lot to say, always, on almost any topic, but that open adoption is a subject near and dear to my heart. So I’m quite pleased to be writing this post today, introducing myself as a new blogger for AdoptionBlogs.com, writing on open adoption. But before I dive in—a brief introduction of some of the characters you’ll meet in this space. My name is Meghann, and I’ve been married to my wonderful husband, George, for almost twelve years. We decided when we got married that twenty-seven or twenty-eight seemed like the perfect age to start a family—we would be “settled,” with a home, stable careers, maybe a few pets, and we’d be ready… [more]

This latest OAB Roundtable prompt was a tricky one. It’s all about privacy vs. blogging your heart out (so to speak): This round’s topic was suggested by adoptive parent blogger Rebecca: privacy, blogging and open adoption. Figuring out boundaries is difficult when you write about your personal life. Any on-blog mention of family, friends or co-workers risks invading their privacy. Bloggers who write about or post pictures of their children are accused of exploitation. Where is the line between your own experience and other people’s personal lives? What information is yours to share and what rightfully belongs to someone else? Add the overlapping relationships of open adoption to the mix and you’ve got yourself a potential ethical and personal mess. And… [more]

Loss is a part of any adoption. A first parent's loss of their child; an adoptee's loss of their biological parents and the life that they could have had versus the life they currently lead; and in a much more minor way, an adoptive parent's loss of the biological child they did not have. In an open adoption, those losses are much more stark, much more eaisly recognizable. Not that they're any easier to talk about. Once things are out in the open, it's at least possible to deal with reality rather than what might be, what could be - and not what's real. In our case, we've dealt with loss in many different ways, all of us. M had, I think, the most difficult time… [more]