Open Adoption

I talked to my son today on the phone. We haven't talked in a couple of weeks because we've both just been very busy. Afterwards he sent me an email with some dates he and his wife would be available for a visit. They didn't make it down for Christmas and all their presents are in a pile in my living room, no tree left to explain their presence. Life happens. And he's been knee deep in going to school to be a paramedic, volunteering as an EMT and Firefighter, remodeling his house, and finding time to be with his equally busy wife who is a nurse at the Mayo Clinic. But today, he called. People often ask me what Joe calls me - Pat, Birthmother, Mom, or even Aunt? It… [more]

I was recently asked a question from a friend who was soon to adopt. She said that she liked the idea of open adoption, but didn’t know what level of openness they wanted for their family. It’s an interesting question and I wish more couples would take it seriously (this friend of mine is taking it seriously). Waiting for a baby is so very hard. I remember very well when we were waiting, especially the first time we adopted. There was no way of knowing if we would get a call within a week to tell us there was a child ready for our home or if we would need to wait five more years before someone would even notice our profile. Everything I… [more]

I received an email from a reader recently, a birthmother who was frustrated with trying to build a relationship with her now grown child. She mentioned feeling that the adoptive mother was being overprotective and that this was somehow slowing down the process. She asked what she could do to keep things moving towards a more open relationship with her children. I think my answer surprised her. I told her to be grateful for the overprotective mother. In this particular case, the children had been in the social system a couple of years before being placed with the adoptive family. How lucky for those children to now be in the care of someone who is willing to defend them, protect them, and advocate… [more]

I asked my dad once when I was a kid, driving alone together in our family van, how you know you love somebody. He told me that love is a pure emotion that pushes us to act. When you love someone, you truly want them to be happy. If your actions don’t go along with those guidelines, you’re not acting out of love. Those weren’t his exact words, but that’s the general idea of what he said and I remember it clearly. So where does that put us with open adoption? I read a series of posts on a Facebook site about someone wishing they could do more to help their birthmother to cope with her loss and to heal. The birthmother was… [more]

Today is his 3rd birthday. It has been quiet today other then the sniffling and sneezing that has accompanied this 'wonderful' cold. The weather is dreary, and I hear a crow cawing. Aren't they supposed to go south or something? Anyways, my head is all over the place today  but my heart is generally at peace, despite not having seen him this year. I am ok with that, and kinda grateful to have a year that hasn't sent me into a complete depression. That is not saying that i will not cry, or have a moment when 3:30pm rolls around, or doesn't mean I won't feel a little sad, because it is ok. It is alright to grieve. It is ok to allow those… [more]

“I’m going to vote for him because he reaches across the aisle,” some people say. I hate politics. I hate it but I can’t help but follow it. Following politics is one of those chores that I do because it’s my civic duty, it’s what I think everyone should do, it’s yada yada yada. I ask myself, “What would it be like if politicians really had the public’s best interest in mind?” I mean, I think they want to do the right thing, but when push comes to shove their first priority seems to protect their career and their second is to protect their self interest groups. Instead, the laws and regulations that get passed all depend on what party is in charge-… [more]

Today I spent the better part of it with my oldest son. We took a walk around the town, went to the library, and I listened to him dream out loud. He wants to be an actor, has managed to push his D in math to a B and his music teacher see's promise in him as a singer. (I am so proud of him!) When I got pregnant with Phoenix, whom I placed for adoption, my oldest son named Kenny* was 7 years old. I didn't think I could ever love anyone else more then him. I felt like the Grinch, and when I held my littlest son in my arms I knew my heart had tripled in size. Being with my oldest… [more]

It has been one interesting December so far, as far as writing goes. Of course I expected it, in a way. Phoenix will be 3 on the 30th of this month. I recently talked to Tara about 3 weeks ago. I was having some issues post-birthmother retreat and I needed a ear. I heard his voice over the phone and I think I scared her with the level of outpouring I needed to express. I am not terribly worried, as I know her heart is good and understanding and our conversation revealed so much for both of us, I am sure. We discussed my mom issues, and possibly attending Al-Anon because of her previous alcohol dependence. We talked about our worries for when Phoenix found out he was adopted and how his older brother may… [more]

I peel the top half of a banana and hold it out to my little boy. The little man, who is about two months shy of his second birthday, claps his hands and takes it from me with a smile. He bites off the top inch then holds it out for me to take a bite. I tell him that I don’t want any, so he chomps off another piece and chews on it. He makes his way over to his baby sister, lying on a blanket, and holds the banana out for her to take a bite. Of course, Baby Sister doesn’t even have teeth, nor has she started on solid foods, so she just looks up at him… [more]

What determines success in adoption? Is it when the adoptive families feel they’ve forged a new family with tight bonds and lasting love? Is it when a birthmother can honestly say she has no regrets? Or is it when an adoptee grows up to be a self-confident person, secure in their knowledge of being adopted and secure in their feelings of being loved? How an adoptee feels regarding their adoption is almost completely dependant on the adoptive parents and birthparents that enter the agreement in the first place. It is because of this that I believe that success is best measured by the adoptee’s point of view. As a birthmother, I made my choice based on loving my child and wanting to choose what… [more]