Blogs for Birthmoms

October 11th, 2013

heart 1When my husband and I had our first meeting with our daughter's birth mom, she was concerned we would lose contact after placement.  Prior to having this baby, she had a son that was taken from her.  The baby ended up in foster care and then adopted.  The adoption was suppose to be open, but she had only heard from the adoptive family a couple of times.  I was so sad for her.  All she wanted was a couple of pictures and an update on how the baby was doing.  During the whole first meeting, she expressed how much contact meant to her.  To be able to hear from the birth mom's view was eye opening.  One of the biggest fears my husband… [more]

What To Say

October 5th, 2013

lettersOur requirements with our agency for an open adoption is to write once a month for the first six months and then twice a year after finalization.  Our communication is expected to stay open as long as it is in the best interest of the child.  While talking to some adoptive families I discovered there are many people who stay in contact with their child's birth families until they are 18 or even longer.   Each family expressed how much they loved having a relationship with their child's birth family.  They believed it helped the healing process and allowed the children to accept their adoption more easily. When we had to write to our daughter's birth mom after placement I had no idea… [more]

Find Forgiveness

September 20th, 2013

Coping with Loss blog imageOpenness can be so hard and rewarding at the same time.  You have to decide what is best for your family and what is best for your child. Some adoptees, in open adoptions, see their birth moms once or twice a year.  Others  just exchange letters and pictures with out face to face contact. There may be seasons of your life when the openness varies. We have learned this with my daughter's birth mom.  When her birth mom's life is stable, we hear more from her. When her life is chaotic, we don't hear from her.  Regardless of what is going on with her life we constantly remind our kids their birth family loves them.  We have chosen… [more]

Open to Close

September 13th, 2013

heartWe have a closed adoption with my son's birth family. We did send pictures and letters the first 6 months after placement.  The birth mom never responded back to us. After the adoption was final we sent a couple of more pictures and letters and then we stopped. About two years after we adopted our son, the agency closed down. All of the paperwork and files went to Austin. Luckily I still have some contact with the social worker that worked there. They are not sure where our son's birth mom is now.  We had always planned to keep the adoption closed and then we adopted our daughter.
The agency  we went through with our daughter requires you have an open adoption.  So

Unexpected Disapointment

August 22nd, 2013

openOpen adoption use to scare me.  I did not want to talk about it, find out any information about it, and I most certainly did not want to have one.  I, of course, believed all the stereotypical gossip about open adoption.  My husband and I were against it.  We did not think it would work.  We believed it would confuse the child and make things harder on all of us.  It took a long time of praying, listening to other's testimonies, and becoming educated on open adoption, for me to actually consider it.  My son has a closed adoption so we wanted our second child to as well.  We knew it might cause issues down the road having contact with one birthmother… [more]

Open Adoption Will Not Work, or Will It? Part 2

July 24th, 2013

lego heartAfter two seminars and listening to many inspiring stories, we finally started feeling better about open adoption.  We were very honest and open with our social worker about how we felt.  I remember telling her that we wanted to proceed with the adoption process, but we still have concerns.  She appreciated the honesty.  While waiting for us to be approved, we were required to read several books on open adoption.  These books were very helpful and had great information.  Two months after our home study was complete we were matched with a birth mother.  My husband and I were so excited, but also cautiously optimistic. We never were able to meet my son's birth mother, so it was like we were… [more]

Open Adoption Will Not Work, or Will It? Part 1

July 24th, 2013

heartTo be honest with you, I believed open adoption was not a good idea.  It would not work.  Having an open relationship with the birth family would only confuse the child.  The birth family would know our last name and where we lived.  They could just drop by whenever they wanted. Would they help to raise our child?  Would they call me all the time asking how the baby was doing?  Would there be respectable boundaries? The idea of open adoption scared me to death.  Maybe open adoption worked for some families, but it was not going to work for us.   There were too many unknowns and too many "what ifs?".  The real open, honest, truth was that open adoption would interfere with… [more]

The Adoptee Voice

July 6th, 2013

After a discussion on Facebook tonight regarding the lack of the adoptee voice on adoption websites, I began to wonder why it was that these voices weren't necessarily recognized by the community as a whole. In fact, this interaction was due to someone wishing only to have adoptees who were in open adoptions, leading the discussions. Why the segregation? Don't most adoptions wind up becoming open at some point, even if the relationship is not ideal? For me, as a birthmother, reading the adoptee perspective was originally hard. It was one of those journey's that I took because I was desperate to better understand what my son may be going through. I hadn't fully accepted the idea that he was without issue because of the relinquishment, and when his adoptive parents… [more]

Honesty At The Adoption Table

June 26th, 2013

honestyWhen I was pregnant, and I was imagining what this adoption experience would look like down the line, I could have never imagined what has transpired. It's not that I thought it would be wonderful; to some extent maybe I did. It's just that I wasn't given the information, the real insight I needed to know what "real adoption" looks like.  Maybe, if I had someone telling me what it did look like, rather than having me only focus on the months leading up to those days in the hospital, I might have been more prepared. Perhaps there would have been less grief. In fact, some people in the adoption community argue that those of us, myself included, who struggle with their… [more]

Emotional Debt in Adoption

May 8th, 2013
Posted By: on Open Adoption

debtMy wife and I have two beautiful children, both of which came to us through the miracle of adoption. What a blessing. What a joy. Still, though, it’s been quite the bumpy road to get to where we are now. One of the toughest things we’ve had to deal with was the feeling of guilt and debt. I mean, our children’s birth parents gave us the most wonderful gift—the gift of parenthood—which came through a big sacrifice on their part. Our adoptions are very open and we’ve communicated freely and often all along the journey, which means that we saw the heartbreak in their eyes when they made the hard decisions. Even though they had their minds made up and they had their… [more]